Kiss and Run

Chapter XXXIV pt. II

NATALIA

"No! I couldn't and wouldn't do that to you." He seems insulted by my accusation. Well, he should be. "I chose to be quiet. I chose to fake my sleep because again, I can't give the things you wanted." He put his palms on both side of his hips and stares at the ceiling. "You sounded so content that time, you were giggling and happily stealing kisses to me," he whispered, lost in nostalgia. 'The moment was too perfect, I don't want to ruin it." He rubs his face with his palms. "I can't respond to your I love you's."

"But can respond to my kisses," mapakla kong balik. "No, you always initiate the kiss," pagtatama ko. "And have I ever declined?" Sasagot na sana siya ngunit inunahan ko siya. "No. Because I want to, Eiveren. I let you come near me, allow myself to fall in love with you because I want to." Puno ng disgusto ko siyang pinukulan ng tingin. "Were you satisfy whenever you took advantage of my feelings?"

"Natalia, no. That is not—

But I can't seem to stop myself anymore. "You know I'm vulnerable when it comes to you, too vulnerable you can easily invite me to bed," nanghihina akong tumawa. "Tanga nga siguro ako, 'no?" Mas lalo akong natawa ng mapakla dahil sa ekspresyon niya. He looks guilty. "God, I hate you." Umiwas siya lalo ng tingin sa'kin. "We are both aware of the physical attraction we have for each other. You were aware of my feelings for you since long ago to take advantage of me, so, what's stopping you now, Eiveren?"

"I don't deserve you," mariin niyang sambit sa bawat pantig, waring gusto na niyang buksan ang ulo ko at ilagay ang mga salitang 'yon sa utak ko. Para lang maunawaan ko.

Pero hindi, hindi sapat ang mga paliwanag niya.

"I am filthy, Natalia," his expression became stoic, "I get drunk until I can't recognize myself." He gazes down at me, his eyes are in different shades of torture. "Those models you saw?" He pointed his side like they are here. "I fvck them, Natalia," he uttered closer to my face, "Fuck. Them," he stresses. "I used them to forget. All of them." I close my eyes and let my tears flow.

...I think my heart went pulverized.

Never had I imagine to encounter this kind of pain and hate and frustration and love towards the same man. In just one night. God, I want to slap him over and over again until my palms went numb. Numb like my heart. Numb and stupid as I found my shivering fingers nervously lifting the hem of my dress.

He instantly got my innuendo and perplexly exclaimed, "No!" attempting to stop me. I sway my head, voiceless, finishing what I started, gulping down the remaining dignity I have for myself. "No," he said in alarmed. "Stop it at once, Natalia." But I didn't listen, so he grasps my wrists but I manage to let go, "Hindi sa'yo! Hindi ko kaya!" His expression blends in anguish and in desire. "Don't." He again grabs my wrist and forcefully pins me against the wall, the second time of this night. He instantly hide the flesh peeking in my abdomen.

"Use me," marahan kong sambit, tahimik na nakikiusap. "If fucking me would help you then please, do so." Muling nabasag ang tinig ko. I don't recognize my voice anymore.

Ah, the stupid things I can do for him.

"Are you even hearing yourself?" He said, shaking the hell out of me. "I am not going to do that with you."

"Why not me?!" I snap my head up at him, our tears streaming down on our faces. "Because I am innocent? Inexperience? A virgin? Not beautiful like the models you've been with? Can't satisfy you? Can't—"

"Because you are different, Natalia!" I stop, letting my back lay flatly on the wall. This battle of confessions literally drains me. "You are different," he repeated. "You're too much and too good for me. I don't know even know if I deserve you. I don't want to hurt you."

"It's alright," I replied too brightly, almost desperately, "I am willing to change for you."

"I don't want you to! Don't you get what I'm saying?" He stares at me. "You don't deserve to be in my life." I cover his right palm with mine and look at him in desperation.

"Dito ka lang kasi. Huwag mo 'kong iwan. Iyon lang naman ang kailangan 'ko, eh," pakiusap ko. Pakiuap para sa posibleng ginagawa niyang imposible.

"And hurt each other in the process? Hindi ko kaya."

"Then that's our sweetest agony, Eiveren." Unti-unti siyang kumalas sa pagkakahawak ko't tinalikuran ako. Mabilis akong yumakap sa baywang niya. Mahigpit na mahigpit. Pinipigilan siya sa tinatangka niyang paghakbang. Palayo sa akin.

"I know you are mine but I can't own you, Natalia," tahimik niyang sambit, bakas ang pagod sa kanyang tinig.

"Kaya ko pa. May natitira pa naman sa'kin, eh. Mahal pa rin kita."

"Move on and be happy with somebody else."

"Look into my eyes, Eiveren," I demanded and waited patiently until his gaze slowly descended directly at me, "Is this happiness?"

He just stares at me, feasting his eyes like this is the last time he will ever see me. "I never wanted to hurt you," he said softly.

"You're hurting me right now."

"That's why I am letting you go."

"You have this phobia, you told me you were—"

"I don't want to hear it."

"You asked me countless times not to leave you!"

"I was lying." Lies. Lies. Lies. "Iyon naman ang gusto mong marinig 'diba?" I push him to the wall using the remaining strength I have.

"You are the most selfish man I ever known." I curl my knuckles in a ball.

"Praise God you realized," he muttered in fake glee.

"I just lost my pride and dignity tonight and yet you still acted like you didn't care," pinilit kong patatagin ang tinig ko ngunit lagi na lang akong binibigo ng sarili ko.

Ng puso ko. Ng bibig ko. Ng puso ko.

Sinumulan kong suntukin ang dibdib niya. "You are the most hypocrite," suntok "selfish," suntok "infuriating," suntok "coward," suntok "and disappointing bastard I've ever known," suntok. "I hope you can get a good night sleep by pushing me away. By ignoring the extremes I can do just to fight for you, just to be with you. Sana mapagtanto mo na kahit iwan man kita o hindi, masasaktan pa rin ako. Wala na 'kong takas..." pabulong kong sambit sa pagitan ng luha at mahinang paghikbi, "Wala na 'kong takas dahil nakakulong na 'ko sa'yo." Malungkot ko siyang ngitian. "I know loving you would hurt me, I am aware of it pero nandito pa rin ako. You see, I may be an escapist, but I know how to embrace the pain of reality. Maybe you should try to do the same. Just for once. Just. For. Once, Eiveren. Free yourself with your goddamn past, it is not helping you. It is dragging you down, restraining you from a possible happiness. You don't even want to forgive yourself for whatever tragic things happened to you and I pity you." My chest is heaving, gasping for air. "God, I pity you," I ended and without another word, stalk out of his house.

Leaving my feline.

...leaving him