Spencer Reid- Dilaudid

Chapter Twenty-Three

I get back to my apartment unlocking the door and throwing my bag on the couch  heading to the bathroom to wash my face. I open the cabinet and lift up the bottle of dilaudid wanting so badly not to use it. I close the cabinet only to open it again realizing I have no self-control and I end up using it anyway.

"Maybe I do have a drug problem." I say out loud talking to myself. Once I'm finished I put the bottle away and syringe away and head into the bedroom. I stand in the door way and stare at the empty bed.

"JJ are you sure about this?" I say breathing heavily

"Mhmm" she whispers

"I've never done this before." I whisper embarrassed

"Then I should be asking you that" she says with a smirk. I nodded not really sure what to expect out of all of this and make my way out of the bed for a brief moment. I walk to the dresser receiving questions from JJ, until I hold up a condom and she finally gets it.

"Wow I didn't even think you had those" JJ asks laughing throwing her pants on the ground, causing me to gulp

"Yeah, long story short it involves Derek Morgan." I laugh hoping back into the bed now with no pants.

"Makes sense" She says giving me a quick kiss.

I can't believe this is happening right now.

I walk to the bed and crawl into the sheets that now smell like JJ and I smile to myself. My eyelids start to close letting me know the drugs are starting to kick in and I let myself fall asleep.

**

A loud bang wakes me up and I run to the bathroom puking up anything I had for breakfast instead of investigating the sound.

"Are you okay?" Hotch asks standing in the door way

"What are you.. How did you get in here?" I question standing up flushing the toilet feeling dizzy and more tired than when I went to bed.

I sit on the edge of the bathroom collecting myself, before trying to get up to brush my teeth. There's nothing worse than the taste of puke.

"Your door was unlocked and I wanted to see if you were okay, which clearly you're not, sit down Spencer" He demands looking for something. He opens the cabinet clearly seeing the supplies I use and I start to sweat. He pulls out a wash cloth not saying a word as he damps the cloth and folds it handing it to me. I place the cold cloth on my forehead already feeling less hot and sweaty.

I close my eyes, only to hear the water running and Hotch hands me my toothbrush loaded with toothpaste.

"Thanks" I say gratefully brushing my teeth.

"You used again, didn't you" Hotch says breaking the silence

"It's not that easy Hotch" I yell in frustration pausing to rinse my mouth out.  I was angry at myself and I was taking it out on him.

"I tried not to, I just couldn't help it." I say while leaving the bathroom and going to the living room to lay down on the couch

"Have you tried getting rid of it? That would be a good start." He asks following behind me sitting in the chair in front of the window

"I don't think I can. I mean I've tried to not use it and to not give in but I just think that maybe I deserve what comes after. Maybe I deserve the pain that comes along with it." I say looking at him.

"Spencer" Hotch says but I interrupt him

"Hotch you don't understand what I went through down there... Nobody does, and nobody will" I whisper while hearing my own voice crack.

"I killed a man, Hotch. I killed him, and I don't know how else I'm supposed to cope with the guilt that I feel. He could have gotten better, he could have been saved, but I killed him." I whisper putting my head in my hands.

"Spencer Tob" he stops unsure if he should say his name or not

"Tobias, was a serial killer, he killed multiple people, including his own father. Spencer, you did what you had to do to stay alive and I am proud of you for doing so."

"I don't deserve to be praised, hell I don't even know what I deserve at this point." I reply throwing the washcloth at the wall leaving a mark of water running down it. Hotch gets up grabbing the cloth to put it in the sink. I see him walk away only to exit the bathroom with a small bottle and a needle and I already know what he's going to do.

Hotch opens the cap draining my dilaudid down the sink I sigh and he looks over at me staring as he throws my needles into the trash can making my heart break a little.

"You deserve to be happy."