Hero (Loki & Avengers)

Fifteen

The image of the cracked, bloody windshield haunts me. I see the innocent woman I killed everywhere I look.

After I saved Tony I got cocky. I thought I didn't need training anymore, and that this was all fun and games. I was sloppy, and I acted rashly, and now someone is dead.

I'm never going to kill somebody innocent again.

I need to work harder.

The second we land back in New York at the compound, I make a run for it. That tiny metal box of an aircraft left me feeling trapped and heavy with all eyes on me for the entire flight. It was nauseating. It took every ounce of my control not to burst open the metal walls of the plane from within.

I left the time stone in a large metal box Tony brought on the plane to store it in, so the rest of them can move the stone to the fortress. I don't give it or any of them a second thought. Right now I need to run.

I sprint and sprint to get all of the adrenaline and nerves out of me, and then I sprint some more as a punishment to myself. Eventually after what feels like an hour of doing large laps around the huge backyard, my lungs feel like they're on fire and my throat feels like it's bleeding, so I fall to my knees in front of the house.

I gasp for breath, and tears fall from my eyes as I try and regain my composure.

I let my head fall down in shame, digging my nails into the dirt. I've never been so ashamed of myself. That woman could have had a family, and children, and now because of me they all lost her. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about it.

In fact, the heat exhaustion, physical exhaustion, and sickness all combine so that I find myself throwing up on the grass. My body uncontrollably shakes as I expel everything in my stomach. I scoot a few feet from the vomit and lay back on the grass, wiping a tear away. I feel empty now.

It feels better.

I watch the sun set over the treeline, and then a while later I feel a presence walk up to me.

"We almost made it through that mission without taking a single civilian life. Then you messed up." I hear the condescending voice of Cap above me. His words sting.

I sit up and force myself to look him in the eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry." I say, voice cracking at the end.

"Sorry isn't good enough." He replies and I nod.

"I know." I squeak out.

"Then do better." He commands, and I see that the sympathetic Steve is gone. This is Captain America, and he's scolding his soldier.

"I'll try." I promise him, wiping a stray tear from my eye.

"No, you will." He snaps back.

I nod, not saying anything.

"Stop the self pity. Shower and go to bed. We train at dawn." He instructs me, and I immediately obey. I stand and walk silently past him. When I come inside I see Loki sitting on the couch by the back door.

He stands when I enter, and steps towards me.

"Cassidy-" He begins, but I walk past him. I can't talk to anyone else right now. I just can't do it.

I go in my room, shower, get ready for bed, and force myself to doze off. I don't sleep well, or peacefully, but I do sleep.

A few days go by of the same thing. I wake up at dawn, and I train with Cap and Wanda for nearly the entire day until my body gives out or I come close to another mental breakdown.