𝐀𝐋𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 ‣ jjk

八十 ; back to the start

day 26
3.55 pm
lee haru

back to the start

there is a silence to my soul;
it's like i am fall leaves under frost
i feel the chill in my blood
coldness bringing the synapses of my brain
to a stand still

part of it is a pain, yet one I can endure
one I can sleep through night after night
without the anaesthesia of false hope
this is my winter;
i wait for spring and the chattering of the birds.

i have always been a giver
warm and loving
even as a child I never cried
seeking to make others happy

often people sought me in times of trouble
and i gave all i had;
my whole heart
and showered love upon them

yet when my time to suffer came
when my world was a hurricane of ice
every light but one switched off
all but one offered a skinny love, shallow and brief before finding a reason to excuse their flight

but maybe that's the way it had to be
one light to follow
no choice but to walk towards
love and truth

it's like a void
a dark void
a never ending dark void
that consumes everything
so you're left feeling nothing, empty

perhaps the road toward heaven feels like hell
because i can tell you i have never
felt more empty in mind body or soul
never so bereft of any comfort
i have never felt so worthless or disposable
never so wretched and cold

i'm walking unusually slowly
as if my brain is struggling to tell my foot
to take the next step
i have a pack of apples in my hand
and to anyone else i passed
i might look like some old lonely hag
but my mind is too distracted by nothing to care

i stalk past the doors of the abandoned theatre
my legs dragging across the dusty floor
just one glance at this theatre
and it brings back hundreds of memories

this was where jeongguk and i had our
first conversation together
and he'd shown me how much more there was
to the world than i thought it had
this was where he painted my canvas for the first time
painting my black and white world with colours

everything else is the same as before
except that there's a hole in the ceiling now
probably caused by the old roofing
and snow falls through it occasionally
if the weather is hard

i grab my coat from one of the seats
and slump down on it, taking an apple from the pack
and biting into it hungrily
yes, this is how i had been living for the past 4 days
sitting here
in an empty theatre
eating apples
while staring at the dark empty stage
as if the play had long ago finished
and i was refusing to move on from it

i'm enveloped in silence
the voices in my head ceased
but jeongguk's tearful gaze forever lingers
and the feel of his hands in mine
his soft lips against my own
still lingers
it sinks into my heart like frostbites

i've been telling myself to move
go home to seoul
get married
to take jeongguk's advice because
well
nothing he says is ever wrong
but something inside me is refusing to do so
it's refusing to move
and my body is stuck here
my mind drifting off slowly into oblivion

after finishing an apple
i stand up
tuck my hands into the pocket of my coat
and shuffle back outside
deciding to take a walk around

i remember the first time
jeongguk and i came to cheongju together
when he offered to
take me back to 'his place'
i thought he was a serial killer or some psycho
because really
who would lead a girl, and a complete stranger
to an abandoned theatre without any
alterior motives
maybe jeongguk is just someone who gives off
bad first impressions
or i'm just being overly paranoid