𝐀𝐋𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 ‣ jjk

八十二 ; always searching ⁂

[attached song above for this chapter; and i'm here by kim kyunghee aka the song that inspired me to write this book in the first place]

day 30
6.02 am
lee haru
note form

always searching

the yellow shining sun starts rising from the ground. it fills the sky with mighty colours of red and splashes the clouds with endless rays of pink. it's bright and mesmerising, inviting me to stare deep into the horizon through the window of the train.

it suddenly hits me how i can't fight the sun. i can only watch helplessly as it drags me into more and more days, some that i may dread. today is a day, however, that is filled with too much hope than it is supposed to.

dear passengers, we will be arriving in busan station in approximately 10 minutes. we hope you enjoyed your ride.

the voice that comes over the intercom jolts me out of my stupor. i sit up straight, pulling myself and my scrambled thoughts together before leaning back on the old seat of the train. i catch the gazes of several other people, but i shift my eyes away, all instincts to hide myself from getting caught by the police gone.

everything i've done in the past month, everything that has happened up until now has led me to him. he's my saviour, my fortunate stroke of serendipity, the home i never knew i needed.

regret washes over me like the long slow waves on a shallow beach. each wave is icy cold and sends shivers down my spine. i long to go back and take a different path, but now that is too impossible. there is no way back. there is no way to make it right. the remorse will eat at me everyday of my life. i might even be envying the pebbles on the pavements, hard and lifeless, unable to feel the torments of life.

my feet drags through the thick snow, the winter air biting into my skin even through my coat. jungkook's face is in my head; his curved up lips, his beautiful eyes, his soft and gentle voice that seems to soften me even at my hardest moments. and i have never felt so complete and even more empty.

i'm walking slowly, and then the next minute i'm running. faster and faster, underneath the sunrise. it's cold, but sweat rolls down my skin in thick salty beads. jeongguk is whispering inside my head, a faint and tiny voice.

"we do not belong to one another
love has no possession"

i can feel my heart throbbing uncontrollably against my chest, as if threatening to burst out with every step i take.

"we are not in love
for love is not a cage"

i'm aware of the stinging in my leg, but i don't stop.

"we are not two halves
this love makes us whole"

running, faster and faster. towards the familiar neighbourhood, passing by the grounds we used to stand together.

"we see one another's imperfections
love is not blind"

i stop in front of a house with a friendly door. my feet is hesitant, my hands trembling slightly, exhausted and anxious.

"yet my love is your salvation and yours is mine
instead of open wounds"

slowly, i walk up the path towards the doorstep. i pant for air, leaning on the wall for balance while at the same time trying to glance through the curtains on the windows to see if anyone is home.

"we bare silvery scars
you are my sun, and i am your moon"

it takes me every ounce of dignity i have to knock on the door. with puffy eyes, i'm standing silently as the door creaks open inwards and i'm once again faced with sarang's hopeful gaze.