Rants and News

The Only Guy I Wanna Be With

So as you all know, I'm really hung up over my ex. I found out he has a girlfriend (talked about in last chapter), and I'm still very upset about it. I also found out that they might break up because she's moving somewhere... they've only been together for a month, so he's not going with her.

I'm upset because he told my friend that he wouldn't get back together with me because we are totally different. I don't smoke weed like he does, and I don't drink nearly as often as he does. He also didn't like that I was a virgin when we started dating (even though he knew full well that I was cuz we always talked about it) and that when we eventually had sex, that I "didn't know what I was doing" and didn't put out much... like that was early on in our relationship, and I was new at everything.

I wish I hadn't fucked everything up. I miss him so fucking much. I know he also misses me, but he doesn't want me back.

It reminds me of the Closure lyrics. "Sayin that you miss me, does he know?" He told my friend that he missed be but his girlfriend doesn't know...

I can guarantee that I love him the most out of any girl he's ever been with. He needed $20 for gas to his new job the other day, and I gave it to him because I knew he needed it more than I did. I hadn't seen him since we hooked up in February until this moment. He was making jokes specifically to make me laugh, even though my other 2 friends were there. I know he still cares about me, and I just miss him so much.

I don't know. The scariest part is that I'm experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I've had 2 periods since then (which could be threatened miscarriages) and something that looked like spotting. All 3 pregnancy tests I've taken have said negative, but there's a lot I've read on this and a lot is pointing towards pregnancy. I've been experiencing sharp pains in my stomach and I have almost puked multiple times, and no it wasn't the flu. I think that because I don't eat much because of my eating disorder, that the baby (if there is one) could've almost died and caused a threatened miscarriage, which would definitely explain the bleeding. I've been modify af lately and have been way more tired than normal, like taking NAPS, which I NEVER liked! I've been super hungry lately, and I've gained weight (but that could just be because I'm a fatass and haven't exercised in a while cuz I'm always busy...)

So I'm hoping I'm not pregnant because him and I are both not ready to be parents. Yes, he used a condom (I think... it could've slipped off cuz I was a little tipsy and he was more tipsy than me, almost drunk) but things happen and yeah... everything is confusing and I hate it so much. I just want him back!