Loving Lucifer [COMPLETE]

Chapter 44

His gaze held mine for a few moments, during which the only sound to be heard was the echo of our beating hearts. The spell was broken when he let out a breath he had been holding in.

"Would you come in?" he asked.

I shook my head at him. I could see his heart sinking through his eyes.

"Catherine, I swear I will not touch you. Not at all...please, for the sake of everything we've been through."

"I can't trust you, Luke...not after what you did to us." I shook my head at him again.

"Then can we at least sit down over a cup of coffee? We can go somewhere in public. Would that make you feel safer?"

I hesitated. Would it?

"Yes."

I instantly regretted my reply; why was I even considering this? But then I remembered the sick feeling I'd had in my stomach at the thought of him perishing forever. We walked the short distance to his favourite café. My heart clenched in my chest as a flashback of our first breakfast together played over in my mind - the smell of his croissant still fresh in my memory. I followed him to the counter. He knew my order by heart, and it pained me to realise how well he knew me and how little I had turned out to know him. Perhaps the problem was my sense of judgement - after all, this wasn't the first time I had been tricked after following my heart. He carried the tray to a small table beside the window and we sat facing each other.

I took my hot cocoa and sipped, even though it was so hot it burned my lips and scalded my tongue. He stirred his coffee and stared at the swirls the wooden stirrer made on the surface.

"Kate, I just want you to understand that no matter what you saw and no matter what you believe happened, I vouch to never hurt you. I swore that the moment I laid eyes on you and I swear that still. I understand why it is so hard for you to believe, and I don't blame you. But I, myself, cannot explain it. I know I wasn't there. There aren't two of me." He shook his head.

"I only came after you because I don't want you to hurt yourself, no matter what you've done," I said.

"I don't need to hurt myself to be extinguished, Catherine, and I don't need to kill myself to be dead. Knowing what you believe me to be has left me feeling dead inside and it's through no fault of yours. I only wish I could have been a fly on the wall of that garage, to know what actually came to pass."

"I already told you what happened - you know I wouldn't lie, Luke."

"I know that, Kate."

"So, you weren't going to hurt yourself?"

"No, sweetheart. Why would I do that? Why would I push you into a pit of endless guilt? Don't you know that I know you?"

"I know you know me, but it broke my heart to realise I didn't know you at all."

He smiled sadly at me, but didn't protest.

"Did you really do it to punish Michael? Is that why you got into the trouble of getting to know me?"

He shook his head at me.

"Kate, I had no idea you were Michael's daughter. I honestly still can't believe it."

"Well, at least it explains the ball of light."

"What ball of light?" he asked.

"You know what ball of light...the one that finally sent you running. Matt swore he could see it. I didn't."

His eyes widened and he smiled warmly at me.

"You've discovered yourself..." he said, "You've discovered your inner power; your light."

"I don't understand."

"I never figured out Gustave was half-angel because he never discovered it; not in his lifetime. Your love for Matthew brought out the inner warrior guardian in you. All of us have different roles, Kate. You are half human, which means you cannot be assigned to any particular role. But it also means that you are wide open; free to pursue each and every gift that has been bestowed upon you. You are a lover and a fighter - you protect those you love and you would go to the ends of the Earth for them. And so that is how you discovered your light; protecting one of the people you love most."

"And fighting off another...do you know how painful it was to watch you hurting Matt? And to have to fight you off?"

"I can only imagine, Catherine."

"Anyway, I want to say thank you for the hot cocoa, and to tell you there are really no hard feelings anymore, and you can carry on with the rest of your life."

"Won't you stay a few more minutes?"

"I should really head home."

"Can I at least walk with you? I know you don't trust me, but after what happened...I don't know what to think."

I hesitated.

"You can use your ball of light to fight me off, Kate. I won't touch you."

"I could use it to fight off anyone."

"As you wish."

"You can walk with me. But consider it our final goodbye."

He gulped, but silently agreed. We started walking back. The walk was longer now and the air had grown colder. I hugged myself tightly; I hadn't worn a proper jacket.

"Here," he said, handing me his own.

I shook my head.

"It's fine. You can put it on yourself."

I reluctantly took it from him and wore it. Tears filled my eyes as his smell engulfed me whole. I couldn't help it; I turned around and wrapped my arms around him, taking in his smell and burying my head in his chest as I sobbed. His strong arms wrapped around me, his fingers resting gently on my back. They were not the rough fingers that had hit me and touched me without permission. He rested his head on mine, and I could feel the tremors in his chest as he cried.

I pulled away from him, stared into his red tear-stained face, and ran. I ran away from him; as fast as my legs could carry me, I found my way home. I never even bothered to stop. I simply made a beeline to my room and sank to the floor in body-shattering sobs. My buzzing phone interrupted me.

I'm so sorry - L x

I put it away. I wouldn't reply; not this time - not again. Letting him in, even as guardedly as I had, had shattered me. I had taken five steps forward only to take seventy-seven back.

But I wouldn't let my spirit crumble because of this. He had already done too much damage. I took off his jacket and went to the bathroom to take a long, hot shower. Cleaning off his smell was harder than I had imagined; it seemed like it had taken permanent residence in my nostrils and in my brain. I could sense him everywhere, even though I knew he was not really there.

Except he seemed to be everywhere I went; perhaps he had never truly left.