Repetitious Affairs

Not Okay

I am not okay.
I have everything
And nothing to say
All at once,
Yet I am stuck here on mute.
The safety blanket
Of honest words
I once held
Has been robbed
From me in my sleep,
And I am left
Rigid from the cold,
Open air.
I cannot speak.
I will not speak
Of what happened
When you stole from me
My silver tongue
And ripped it out of my
Endlessly forgiving mouth.
I am not okay.
When I am greeted
Every night by the
Darkness that saturates
My being, I cannot
Escape any of the
Ghost's grasps that
So desperately want
To haunt me.
They try,
And
They succeed.
The terrors that consume me
Leave me breathless -
Gasping for stale air
That I decline knowing that
It too has been
Touched by you -
Deep in your lungs -
And I cannot bear
To have any more
Pieces of you inside of me.
I want nothing to do
With you.
I want to rid you from my mind,
But it's hard when you've
Purposely encapsulated
Every last bit of my
Heart and soul -
Every ounce of my being.
It unwillingly
Belongs to you now.
I want to fight hard to regain
My spirits, but there is a
Never-ending dread
That has been embedded
Deep within me,
Branded in like a label of pity
That has turned my heart to stone
And has left me with an empty
Stare that has
All too soon
Become familiar.
I have lost all the parts of myself
That I once loved and nurtured.
I am left with a hatred so strong
That it could start wars
And this negativity alone
Is horrifying.
I cannot smile genuinely
Knowing you once saw beauty in it.
I want to escape from
Every last bit of you.
You do not deserve this
Hold on me,
Which is ever so slowly
Choking me to death.
I am not okay,
And it was everything you did
To make me
Feel this way.
I cannot breathe
Another breath
Until my mind has been cleansed
And my heart once again pure.
The pain I have succumbed to
Makes me ache at every
Mention of your name
And every touch by a loved one
Or stranger alike.
This is not okay.
I am broken
And bandaids cannot cover
These deep wounds
And purple bruises
That take up every piece of me.
I would rather send myself
To the grave
Before letting someone else in
If all they want is to
Torment me
Relentlessly
As you did.
Do you get it now?
I am not okay.

Help.