Repetitious Affairs

Live

I don't want to die anymore.

I want to live.

I want to be freed of the absolute disaster

that clutters my spinning head.

I want to wake up and feel

like I have a chance at a new day -

rather than constantly

being haunted

by the horrors of my yesterdays.

I want to cross the street

and smile at the waiting vehicles' passengers

instead of 

longing to be

laying flat on the concrete.

I want to stop and smell the roses

and tulips

that bloom

in the garden of my mind -

reminding me that 

life is precious

and beautiful

and meaningful -

instead of getting 

stuck in a loop

of pulling out the ugly weeds.

I want to live.

I've spent too long

trapped in a cycle

of despair.

Struggles have been

presented to me

and I don't have 

a receipt to return them.

People come and go

like the wind

with complete

unpredictability 

and I no longer

hold people accountable 

to stay in my life.

I don't want to die.

No,

I want to feel as though

I have a life worth living

and that I am

allowed to feel

these things.

I am allowed to love.

I am allowed to hate.

I am allowed to start over.

I am allowed to live a life

where I have no

recollection of you

or your filthy touch,

and I pray to God

that someday

I will be clean and new.

Until then,

I will live.

And previous events and actions

cannot stop me from living.

I don't want to die anymore.

Let me live.