The Free Pass

Chapter 51

Shawn

Things weren't going quite as I'd hoped. I wanted to sweep Mallory off her feet with my romantic gesture. Instead, she was upset with me.

I guess I couldn't blame her. If I put myself in her shoes, I understood how it could look like I was messing with her emotions. She truly believed that I didn't love her, so me acting this way, given that she loved me, could come across as cruel.

It was time for me to hit her with the truth.

"That's where you are wrong, love," I started. I took a deep breath before continuing. "You know how you had those dreams while you were in a coma?"

She nodded. I reached out and took her hands in mine. It's funny how perfectly our hands fit together. How had I never noticed that before?

"Did you hear me tell you that I needed you in those dreams? And that I loved you?"

A confused look passed across Mal's face. "How did you know that?"

"Mallory, honey, those weren't dreams. You could hear me talking to you. You weren't completely unconscious. I said those things to you over and over again."

Just then, Gracie started crying. Mallory let go of my hands, jumped off the couch, and picked her up.

"She's stinky. I'm going to go change her. Can you give her a bottle? I need to pump while you feed her."

"Of course." I wanted to add that we weren't done talking, but I was pretty sure she knew that.

Mal brought Grace to me after a few minutes. She was all cleaned up and was in her pajamas. She was wearing my favorites, which had little guitars all over them.

"Hey there, baby. You hungry?" I asked as I positioned her in the crook of my arm as Mal made the bottle.

While I fed Grace, Mallory went to the nursery to pump. She came out 20 minutes later still wearing her pretty dress, though she's ditched the heels. I figured she'd get changed, but I was pleased she hadn't. A voice in my head said that meant our night wasn't over yet.

I placed Grace in her bouncy chair and put the toy bar across it so that she could play. I then got up and joined my wife in the kitchen, where she was washing the pump.

"Would you like a glass of white wine?" I asked her.

She hesitated a second. "Actually, yes. I could use one."

I got the bottle out of the fridge and opened it. I poured her a glass and then got myself a glass of red. I brought them over to the couch. Mallory followed me. We sat down next to each other.

"Mallory?" I said softly.

"Yes?"

"You heard what I said, right?"

"I heard you. And I know you love me. I'm the mother of your child. We live together. We're incredibly close. It's natural for you to love me."

I shook my head at her. "It's not platonic love. I don't love you like I love my best friends or my sister. I'm in love with you."

"No! You're not," she said defiantly.

"I think I'm a better judge of my feelings than you are, Mal. I know I love you."

"You were afraid you were going to lose me. I was very very sick. That scared you. I'm sure some guilt about how things turned out between us surfaced, and you convinced yourself that you loved me. That's not real! It's pity. I don't want you to love me out of fear, guilt, or pity!"

Now this was really not going how I'd planned. Earlier today I was thinking that by this time we'd have kissed.

"Please listen to me, Mallory. I know I'm an idiot for not having the self awareness to realize I loved you months ago, but I did love you. It hit me when you got sick, but it had nothing to do with pity or guilt!"

"You don't just realize one day that you've been in love with someone," she said.

"That's probably not how it happens for most people. I know that. I get that it's all pretty fucked up, but it's what happened. I think I'd told myself so many times that I wasn't in love that I believed it. I closed the rational part of my brain off to loving you."

"Why do you think you love me now?" she asked softly.

"I was looking at some photos on the flight to Toronto. I noticed that in every picture of us, you and I looked at each other the same way. Our eyes and our expressions screamed love. It wasn't one sided. It's not like you looked like you had stronger feelings for me."

"I know. That's what caused our big fight. It hurt me that you could look at me like that when it was all just an act. That's why I couldn't be with you romantically anymore."

"But that's my point! It wasn't an act. I never once said to myself that I had to do that kind of thing for photos. It was all genuine. I was just too stupid to realize that it was love."

"But we were acting. You and I were putting on a show for people. No one knows we're not really together. It was pretend!"

"Yes, we pretended at some stuff, but I'm not deceptive enough to fake it that well. I know what I see in those pictures!"

"Show me," she demanded.

I picked my phone up off the coffee table. I found several pictures taken over them summer.

"Look! Don't you see it?"

She stared at one picture, swiped until she found another of us, then swiped a few more times.

"I'll admit that I see what you're talking about. We look like we're in love. But Shawn, that doesn't mean you love me! They are photos. It's easy to read too much into a split second captured on a phone."

"The pictures are just what got me thinking. They aren't the only reason I know I love you. I thought about why I want us back together. You know I've wanted that since things ended. It has nothing to do with Gracie or outside appearances or what's the right thing to do. I want you back as my wife because you are all I want. I miss you so fucking much," I said.

"You haven't had sex for a really long time. I think that's your sexual frustration speaking."

"Jesus Christ, Mallory! This has nothing to do with sex! If you told me right now that we could go back to being husband and wife but that there'd be no sex, I'd take it! I mean, yeah, I'd miss the sex. A lot. But I could live without it as long as I had you."

"What do you want?" she asked, her voice trembling.

I brushed a strand of hair that had fallen from her bun behind her ear.

"I want us to start over. I want us to be married. For real. I want forever with you. You are the only woman for me, and I want you to really be my wife again. Because I love you."