The Free Pass

Chapter 55

Shawn

I couldn't very well ignore Beth when she got in line behind me at the cupcake shop. I knew the second that she said my name, causing me to turn around, that Mallory would see us and it could be problematic. There was nothing between me and Beth, though. I hadn't spoken to her since Grace had been born. That's why I talked to her and why I thought it was okay to buy her the cupcake.

So when I sat down with Mal, I knew there would be questions which I'd answer honestly. And I knew she might be bothered by the fact that it was Beth.

Calling me a cheater was too far, though.

Did I regret using the free pass? At the time I didn't feel that bad, but at that point I didn't know Mallory loved me, and I had no idea I'd fall in love with her. We were two people who were marrying for our child. Or so I thought. Now that we loved each other, yeah, I regretted it.

The bottom line, however, is that Mallory was the one who insisted I do it. I had every intention of being faithful to her until she put the idea in my head. This was why it pissed me off so much that she said I'd cheated. I didn't regret using the pass because it was cheating; I regretted it because I hated that it hurt Mal.

The walk back home was tense. Neither of us said a word. When we got to the condo, Mallory got Gracie out of the stroller and took her to the nursery. She was obviously putting her down for the night. I took a seat on the couch and waited for my wife to come out. Surely she'd want to talk. I sat there, a bundle of nerves, tapping my foot on the ground.

I was right. Half an hour later, Mallory emerged from the bedroom and joined me. I got right to the point.

"I didn't cheat on you," I said pointedly.

"I know I gave you the pass, which puts at least half of it on me," she started. "But it was a pass to cheat. You are the one who chose to use it."

"So it was a test after all? You gave me the fucking pass, but now it's obvious that using it means I failed you. That's so fucking unfair, Mal!"

"It wasn't a test! And let's be honest, if your night of sex hadn't led to a relationship with Beth, which ultimately meant you almost missed Grace's birth, none of this would be an issue. I'd never even know."

"You're delusional if you think curiosity wouldn't have eventually gotten the best of you! You know damn well that at some point in our marriage you would have asked if I'd used the pass. It was inevitable!"

"You don't know that," she said as she crossed her arms.

I stood up and started pacing. "I am going to be sorry for being with Beth when you went into labor for the rest of my life! But I didn't go to her that night because I have a relationship with her! I needed someone to talk to. There was nothing between us! There isn't anything between us now! We're friends!"

I was yelling. I'd never yelled at Mallory like this before. I could see her reaction to it as she sat on the couch, her bottom lip trembling, but I couldn't stop.

"You say you're friends with her and that means nothing, yet you were friends with me and were in love with me without even knowing it! Maybe you're in love with her right now, and it just hasn't sunk in. You seem to have some crazy delayed awareness of your feelings!" she yelled back.

"Jesus Christ! I know I don't have feelings like that for her. And I'm sorry I didn't know I loved you! We can just add that to the long fucking list of things I'm going to be apologizing for forever!"

"Do you not get it? I had to sit there and watch you talk to someone you fucked while we were engaged! You bought her a goddamned cupcake!"

I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

"Do you know what I said to Beth in that line?! I told her she was right. She'd said that I was in love with you long before I realized it! I told her we were working things out, and she was so happy for us. But if you are going to keep accusing me of cheating on you, then maybe that's not possible!"

I saw the tears begin to fall down Mallory's cheeks and immediately regretted what I'd just said. Gracie started crying loudly from her room. Our yelling must have woken her up and scared her. Mal jumped up, pushing past me, and went to the nursery.

She didn't come back out that night.

                              ~~~~~~

Sleep was not possible. I dozed off a couple times during the night only to wake up thinking about the fight Mallory and I had. I hated myself for getting that angry and saying things I shouldn't have.

I stayed in bed later than normal the next morning thinking about what our fight meant. We'd just started rebuilding our relationship, and now it had been knocked back down. Fuck, we were possibly worse off than we'd ever been. It wasn't just that our relationship had crumbled, it may have been swallowed up in a sinkhole.

After an hour of these negative thoughts, I convinced myself that I wouldn't know what the damage was until I talked to Mal. I had to get up and see where we stood.

I threw on some sweats and walked out to the living area. Gracie was on the floor on her play mat shaking a noisy toy and laughing. Mallory was in the kitchen making waffles.

"Hey," I said cautiously as I walked in the kitchen to get coffee.

She looked at me and gave me a weak smile. "Hi. Are waffles okay?"

I was quite surprised that she was making us breakfast. Maybe things weren't as bad as my imagination had led me to believe.

"That sounds great. Can I help?"

"Warm the syrup and get out the can of whipped cream, please."

After I did that, I picked up Grace and put her in the swing so she'd be closer to us as we ate.

"These are really good," I said with my mouth full.

"Thanks. One of your aunts bought us this Belgian waffle maker as a wedding gift. I wanted to try it."

We finished our breakfast. I insisted on cleaning up since she'd cooked. While I did that, she gave Gracie a bath. She brought Gracie back out to the living room and handed her to me.

"Hi, sugar," I said as I buried my nose in her neck to take in as much of the baby smell as I could.

"Shawn," Mallory said as she sat next to me, "I'm sorry I said you cheated. That wasn't fair. I don't know what it is called if someone has permission to be with another person, but it's not cheating."

I sighed with relief. "Thank you, hun. You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that."

"I gave this a lot of thought last night. I couldn't sleep."

"Me, either. I'm sorry I got so angry."

She bit her lip and looked away. That just reinforced that I'd hurt her. I hated that I'd done that.

"I love you, Mallory. I'm sorry if I hurt you," I told her.

She nodded. "It was me, too. You weren't the only one fighting."

"I said things I shouldn't have, though. I was an ass."

"You were just being honest. And I think you were right. Maybe it's not possible for us to work things out. Maybe we're just not meant to be together," she said.

My heart sank.

"Honey, no. It was a fight. Couples fight." I had to remain calm since Gracie was in my arms. "We will work things out. I know it."

"I love you so much, Shawn, and I want us to be happy together, but I don't know that marriage is supposed to be this much work. The only time we've been happy together was when we lived in different countries!"

I could feel a strong sense of dread building up inside me. I could tell where she was headed with this, but I willed her not to say it.

But she did.

"Maybe I should just leave so that we can each have space," she said.