FlyGirl - The First Edition

Chapter 27: Who, me? I was at Starbucks

I GOT JENNY to a hospital, but didn't make it passed the cops. It was cool. A large part of being a McIver is an ingrained understanding of the criminal justice system.

All of us born McIver, whether male or female, are required to memorize the 4th, 5th, and 6th Amendments verbatim. We are also tested throughout our childhood and teenage years on substantive issues of criminal law and procedure. When your family is under as much governmental scrutiny as we are, it's important to have a complete understanding of what exactly the government can and cannot do to you.

This is because the government can do so much more to you than people can even understand.

So when I was placed under arrest I was prepared for what was going to happen. Up to a certain point, it was all what I had been taught. I was photographed, fingerprinted, and processed. Then I was placed in an interrogation room where I thoroughly expected Donnelly and Detective Reilly of the Federal NYPD to come and give me the third degree.

So when two complete strangers came in to handle my interrogation, I was more than a little surprised. It seemed counterintuitive to me, but hey, what do I know? I'm just a 19-year-old suspected unibomber.

Anyway, the strangers were Detectives, white guys in their 40s. They introduced themselves to me, but names, man. Besides, they both looked so much alike that I chose to call them Detective A and Detective B. Detective A took the seat across from me. Detective B took the seat beside me. Then Detective B moved his seat over so close that we were pretty much touching.

I cut him a look. So it's like that, is it?

Anyhoo, the one thing I knew for a fact was that a police interrogation has one goal, and that goal is to get a written and signed confession out of a suspect. If there was one thing my family beat one thing into my head, it was that the police - especially the NYPD - have made getting a confession out of a recalcitrant subject into an art. They will lie, they will deceive, they will manipulate, they will do whatever it takes because somewhere along the line somebody in power came up with the bullshit that it is in the public's best interest to deceive, lie and manipulate.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to drink?" asked Detective A. "We're happy to get you a bottle of water or coffee, if you want."

Lesson one. The police will rarely browbeat or threaten. They will most like be kind and friendly.

"No thank you."

Detective B sighed and looked at his watch. "You know, Siobhan, it's coming up on midnight here. Why don't you tell us what happened?" He gave me this concerned, paternal look.

He paused and leaned on the table. "If you tell us your side, then we can talk to the prosecutor on your behalf, and who knows, maybe even get the charges dropped altogether."

Lesson two: The police will make promises to help you, lessen charges, talk to the judge, whatever. That's all bullshit. The police do not have charging authority. They cannot determine what crime you'll be charged with or if you'll be charged with a crime at all.

I yawned and inadvertently inhaled Detective B's BO. His deodorant had failed him and he was stinky. I'm sure that's why he was sitting next to me so closely. He smelled like Vinnie. It made me smile, thinking about Vinnie. Vinnie and Paully. My two favorite enforcer dudes. I missed them. After this was over, I needed to tell Alex to have them over for dinner sometime.

"You think this is funny?" Detective A sneered. "What you did was an act of terrorism, but you're laughing. You know what we do with terrorists, right?"