Fearless (Bellamy Blake - Book 1)

Chapter 24.

I quickly lean back as if Atom had slapped me but try my best to keep a neutral expression on my face. It doesn't work.

It's my fault Atom is like this in the first place. I tripped and he stayed behind to help me, causing the fog to do this to him. Atom was out here all night, in pain, alone.

And it's my fault.

"Don't be afraid." A quiet voice speaks up, and I raise my head to see Bellamy on his feet, Charlotte beside him slipping the knife he gave her back into his hand.

My jaw clenches as I look at the knife, then back down at Atom who repeatedly chokes out the words "kill me," before looking at the ground by his head. I can't look at him without feeling sick.

"Go back to camp." Bellamy tells the others who stand further back and, immediately leave after he orders them too. "Charlotte, you too."

I assume she leaves too, and in my peripheral vision see Bellamy kneel down on the ground, the knife clutched in his hand tightly.

Bellamy and I stay on either side of Atom for a few moments, unmoving. I look up at him to see him staring down at Atom with a slightly unreadable expression but it's clear to me that he is severely struggling with this. Bellamy isn't a killer, yet here he is, crouched over the body of his friend who's pleading him to end his suffering.

My gaze shifts to something over Bellamy's shoulder, and he moves his head to the side to see behind him. Clarke walks over to us and kneels next to me, dropping her bag to the ground carelessly. She places a hand on Atom's chest and inhales a sharp breath when she looks at his wounds, shocked at what she sees.

"I heard screams." She says to us.

"Charlotte found him. I sent her back to camp." Bellamy tells her, his voice low and even, trying not to look at Atom.

"Pl...please." Atom gasps out, causing me to shift uncomfortably. I look over at Clarke and she shakes her head a little, there is no way to help him. Bellamy looks down and nods, Clarke takes a deep breath and looks at me intensely.

The only way to help Atom now is to end it for him.

"Okay." Clarke shifts forward and lightens her voice to keep Atom calm. "I'm gonna help you, alright?"

Clarke reaches forward and strokes the side of Atom's head, humming a tune softly to distract him. I watch Clarke take the knife from Bellamy, holding in her hand. Her humming continues but I can easily tell she's upset.

I watch her carefully before I slowly reach out and put my hand over hers, drawing her eyes to mine. I give her a nod and slip the knife from her hand to mine, a tear rolling down her cheek when I do.

I turn my head down to Atom, avoiding looking at his face and focus on his neck. My jaw is clenched so hard I'm afraid my teeth will be crushed, but anything to keep me focused. The knife feels heavier than it actually is whilst in my hand, and I grip the handle so firmly my knuckles turn a ghostly white. 

I push back the memory of the last time I held a knife to the back of my mind, now is not the time to relive the past.

I'm well aware of both Clarke and Bellamy's eyes on me but I try to stay focused on Atom. Clarke continues to hum and as I take a deep breath, I push the knife deep into the side of Atom's neck, pulling it out and producing blood from the new wound.

Atom's head slowly lulls to the side, and I finally look at his face, regretting it instantly as my mind pictures someone else in his place. 

I'm suddenly fourteen years old again, in the small compartment on the Ark that I used to call home, staring down at the damage I caused and holding a sharp, bloodied knife in my tiny hands. 

My chest suddenly feels like I've been kicked and I fall back onto the ground, staring at the face before me and rapidly blink back tears. A familiar feelings starts within me and bile enters my mouth, causing me to quickly scramble away from Atom, Bellamy and Clarke and towards a nearby tree, bending over and emptying my stomach at its base. Hardly anything but bile and water leaves my body as I retch continuously.

After a few moments I stand up straight and lean my forehead against my arm that rests against the tree trunk, my eyes drift close and I take sharp, shaky breaths.

I can't rid his face from my mind, and now I have Atom's face there too.

I know what I did was the right thing. Neither Bellamy nor Clarke should have had to do what I just did, it wouldn't be fair to put either of them in that position since I'm the reason Atom was even left out here. And they shouldn't have to bear the burden of taking a human life, even if it is for the best.