Hard To See (Gawsten)

four

"So what you're saying," Jawn starts, setting down his fries, "is that you've got a crush on him."

Geoff's face flushes red and he chokes on his drink. Otto pats his back in an attempt to help him recover.

Jawn looks at him in an unimpressed way. "Okay, drama queen, it's not that big of a deal- are any of us straight?"

Otto shakes his head and Geoff looks between the two of them before sighing.

"It doesn't feel like a crush. It feels like a creepy obsession. Like, I wanna know more about him. I wanna know why he throws parties and then leaves them. I wanna know why he's so quiet. I wanna know what he was working on at the coffee shop yesterday. I wanna know how he likes his coffee, how many sweaters he has, what he likes best about the sky. It's creepy- I'm creepy."

Everyone is silent after that. Geoff is really fretting over his curiosity about the blond boy.

Jawn looks over to Otto from across the table, searching for words of comfort, or words to help Geoff in any way period.

He notices Otto staring at his burger, concentrating on something that isn't in front of him.

"Otto? What're you thinkin', pal?" Jawn asks. Otto looks up and glances beside himself at Geoff.

"Geoff, I think you've dehumanized yourself to the point that you feel as if you don't feel normal emotion. Being curious about Awsten isn't creepy, nor is wanting to know more about him. I'm with Jawn on this one- I think you have a crush on him."

Goeff looks down at his hands on the table. He doesn't want to like Awsten like that. He doesn't know much about the boy, but something tells him he's fragile. Maybe it's just how small and quiet he is- or maybe he can beat all three of them in a fight and not feel a shred of guilt. Maybe Geoff doesn't need to worry about hurting his feelings or doing something wrong, because maybe Awsten doesn't give a fuck.

But what if he does? What if Awsten is as fragile as Geoff feels like he is? What if he can't beat anyone in a fight? What if he isn't secretly tough like Geoff hopes he is?

What if Geoff hurts him?

Maybe this is why he wanted Awsten to live up to his partying stereotype so bad- because if he did there would be less of a chance of Geoff hurting him.

"Come on, Gee, stop overthinking it. Where's 'big and bad confident to the moon and back Geoff'?" Jawn asks, trying to pep talk his friend into a better headspace.

"He's faking it until he makes it."

***

Of course, he comes home at exactly the wrong moment. After being at the park all day, just enjoying the quiet, Awsten has returned home for his laptop. His plan was to head for the coffee shop before his mother's party guests arrive.

Two parties two days in a row is a bit much, even for her, but here everyone is. He'll have to wade through a sea of people to get to his room, which probably has people in it too.

His stomach starts flipping when he realizes he has to go through all these people in just a few seconds, and he nearly jumps a mile high when his phone starts ringing.

He pulls it out of his pocket and glances at the screen.

"Hey Jawn," he answers.

"He man, wanna do something tonight? Otto, Geoff, and I are just leaving McDonald's. We could catch a movie, if you wanna. My treat," the boy on the other end of the line responds.

Awsten takes a moment to say a thank you to whoever is in the sky that blessed him with Jawn.

"That sounds fun, I have a ton of candy left over from Halloween. We could sneak it in," Awsten replies, hoping he doesn't sound dorky.

"Fuck yeah!" Otto yells from somewhere on the opposite end of the line.

"That's the best thing I've heard all day- bring it. Where do you wanna meet?" Jawn asks, and Awsten can hear a smile in his voice.

"The theatre?" Awsten asks, hoping they don't want to meet at his house, which is currently pulsating. They can probably hear it over the phone.

"Sounds good! Is eight o'clock alright?" The red-haired boy asks excitedly.

Awsten hums in agreement and says goodbye.

Now he just has to get to his room.

Entering the house is like going through a portal. The clear outside air is suddenly smokey, and the dim lighting is headache inducing. The smell is the worst part- alcohol, sweat, weed, and lots of perfume and cologne hangs in the air like sickening clouds. Awsten will never understand why people like parties like this so much.

Maybe it's the fact that his house isn't a home anymore because of them that taint his opinion of them. Then again, it was never a home in the first place.

He slips past bodies moving drunkenly until he gets to the hallway. Most of the weed smoke is coming from it, but there are fewer people. He quickly realizes that he's going to smell like weed when he meets up with Jawn and his friends, and he groans quietly.

He finally reaches his room and goes in. Luckily, no one has come in yet. He closes his door and locks it. He takes a deep breath and tries to think over the blaring music. There isn't any smoke in his room, so he can change his sweater and go through the window and probably be weed-smell free.

Acting on the idea, he changes into a light pink hoodie that's several sizes too big, and grabs his candy from his closet. He bought it when all the candy went on sale after Halloween a couple of weeks ago, and has yet to eat it all. There's a very decent amount left, and he has no problem sharing with his new friends, especially if one of them is paying for his movie ticket.

He puts all of the candy into a small drawstring bag that they can easily hide in a jacket and heads toward his window. He opens it and easily climbs out.

The blond boy has a good forty-five minutes before he has to be at the theatre, which is good because it's a thirty minute walk, but that also means that he has plenty of time to think.

Thinking has become a bit troublesome recently, and Awsten seems to have all the time in the world to do it.

His mind wonders until he's thinking about Geoff. He figures Geoff probably thinks he's some sort of raging partier, and the thought bothers him. He doesn't want to be thought of as that, especially by Geoff. Awsten doesn't know why the punk boy's opinion of him matters so much, it just does.

How will Jawn, Otto, and Geoff react when they figure out that it's actually Awsten's mother that's hosting the parties? It's hard to understand, and even harder to explain, but there's just something so embarrassing about wanting a mom who cares, and only having a woman who can't give less of a shit. He can't explain that to them.

So he'll keep letting them think he hosts the parties, and he'll deal with it when they figure it all out.

He's good at dealing with things.

...