Hard To See (Gawsten)

seven

Trigger Warning: Slight Mention of Past Physical Abuse.

***

The moonlight glints off of the four boys' hair as they wander easily down the sidewalk. Jawn and Otto lead in front while Geoff and Awsten follow closely behind. No words are exchanged as they all breathe the peaceful night air.

Going to the coffee shop with Geoff was a great idea. Despite his three new friends never giving him a reason to distrust them, Awsten still had doubts and worries in the back of his mind.

What if they just want to attend one of the parties?

What if they're just curious about me?

What if they leave after their questions get answered?

Those thoughts that pestered him in the days previous to the coffee shop conversations echo faintly through his mind, but they're no longer valid. All three boys have made an effort to show they care about him. After Geoff's speech, even Otto and Jawn hopped on the 'Show Awsten We Care' bandwagon.

Otto had gone with him to the bathroom to get a second alone with him.

"I know we haven't known you for very long, and I don't know if I'm overstepping a boundary or anything, but I just want you to know that we care, Aws. We can see something is bothering you, and of course you don't have to tell us, but you can trust us."

Jawn had asked him several times if he was okay in various different ways, as well as keeping the coversations light and including him.

"Do you want somethin'' to eat?"

"More coffee?"

"What'cha thinkin' about there, Awsie? Wanna play Never Have I Ever?"

All the blond boy can do in return is trust them.

This could easily go to hell, and the blond boy knows that. He needs to tell them. They need to know. It's not like it's a big deal, it's just a small detail. Who hosts the parties?

Not Awsten.

What if they are only interested in him because they want to go to a party with college students? What if they are only using him to satiate their curiosity, or just-

"What's up, Awsten?" Geoff asks softly, causing Otto and Jawn to stop walking and turn around. Awsten can't help but take a second to appreciate how kind Geoff is now that they know each other a little better. Maybe Geoff isn't the hardened person Awsten thought he was.

Without the continuous noise of the four boys' soft footsteps, the blond boy can hear a slight thumping. He realizes then that this is truly now or never, because it will be painfully obvious who threw this party considering Awsten left right after dinner, before the party even began.

It's not a big deal.

They aren't using you.

They won't abandon you after they find out.

There's nothing to be embarassed about.

Awsten repeats the mantra over and over in his head before deciding that casually mentioning it might be the best way to go about this.

"Uh- it sounds like my mom has a party going. I would invite you guys inside, but it's probably not really your scene. I know it's not mine," he says with a nervous smile. He only slightly lied by saying he would invite them in, because whether or not the distant house is rattling or not has nothing to do with the fact that they are not going to see the absolute awful state his house stays in constantly.