Scary Stories, Rituals, and Urban Legends

I sold my heart to a man on craiglist

It's exactly as it sounds.

I've had a few drinks, so I'm a little bit more calm now. I've had a long day, full of weird crap and an even weirder man, which you'll be hearing about very soon. But I gotta preface this by saying that I'm never using Craigslist again. As if that matters. Just, please be careful about who you meet online. Please.

I'd just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, after being sent a picture from one of my old sorority sisters of him in a bar with his tongue down some girl's throat. "Is this Mike?" said the attached text message. The image was super blurry, but I could make out his features, and the tattoo of an eye on his exposed collar bone. It was him.

Needless to say, Mike had all of his stuff moved out within a few hours. Giving him a piece of my mind felt good. But like most breakups, I ended up a crying mess on my best friend Rachel's bed a night later. To cheer me up, we browsed Craigslist together.

It was kind of an inside joke between the two of us to send the craziest posts we found on Craigslist to each other. I'm sure you know how the site operates. You can find pretty much anything for sale, or anyone. Perverts, dog-walkers, technicians, therapists. Browsing through it was a great way to waste a few hours. But I had never considered actually using the site for anything other than memes.

"Look at this one," Rachel said, pointing to a photo of a guy in a skull mask and a fedora. "He says he wants someone to move to South America with him and....oh...that's explicit."

"Jesus," I giggled. She clicked on the next page, and one particular post caught my eye.

Looking To Buy A Heart, mfw

"Huh...?" Rachel clicked on it, and the first thing we saw was this handsome Adonis-looking guy, with the brightest smile I ever saw and wind-swept brown hair that could rival even Mike's. We were awe-struck by how good he looked, and almost forgot to scroll down to read his actual post.

Looking for the heart of a beautiful, down-to-earth girl. Must be pure of soul but not pure of body ;). Would love to steal one, but thought that asking would be more gentlemanly.

Preferably would love someone with a great taste in music, an open mind and a dog-lover. Leave daddy issues at the door. A healthy lifestyle is important. I believe the body is a temple, so she should, too.

Getting to know someone is important. I'd like to take a free-trial before making the sale ;). No Netflix? No problem: my movie collection has been praised for being the best this side of the Mississippi River. If you don't like movies, we can do whatever you want. As long as it's not too illegal.

I'm in desperate need here. It's been too long and it's time I finally meet someone made for me. Maybe it's you? ;)

Serious inquiries only.

Rachel wrinkled her nose. "Ew."

"Let's fuck with him," I suggested.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I affirmed. "Come on, it's obviously a joke. No one actually talks like that."

Rachel smirked knowingly. "You'd be surprised. His confidence has to be through the roof with cheekbones like that."

"Well, even more reason to message him. If he's genuinely like this, then this tool deserves to be messed with."

Rachel looked skeptical, but in my current state I didn't want to be rational. I wanted to be as reckless as Mike was for once. I took the laptop from her and hit the "reply" button. His contact name was Liam Malcolm. Very model-esque. It sounded very fake. Nonetheless, I copy and pasted his email into one of my burner emails that I use for free streaming trials.