Just Wait » Boyf Riends

Uh Oh

  Recess hadn't quite ended yet, but the kids were taking chances and staying outside for way longer than they were supposed to. The teacher probably wouldn't arrive for ten more minutes.

  However, I did not take the risk. I had already hung out in the incorrect square. That's enough delinquency for one day.

  As I entered the classroom, the girl that sat behind me™ was already in the class. I realized that she never leaved for recess. I frowned slightly. Was she sad? I knew she was shy, but recess was the only good part of the school day!

  I didn't want my potential girlfriend to be sad. I mean, it's not like I actually like like her or anything, but I guess I still care about her. There was a silent emotional connection when I saw her colouring that picture of Pacman.

  Man, I shouldn't assume. Maybe she just doesn't like to be outside. I guess she liked drawing inside more.

  I sat down in my seat, looking back at her.

  "H-hey, can I ask you something?" I said slightly, staring down at my shoes. In the corner of her eyes I saw her nod, and it was the first time her face wasn't obscured with her hair, yet I didn't dare look. Making eye contact was going to make me vomit everywhere. For all I know, she could have very high standards, and seeing the disgusted look on her face would just ruin my already fragile confidence.

  Little did I know that looking at her could've saved me a lot of trouble.

  "Uh, we haven't really talked... before... and I t-totally get that you're k-kinda shy," The feeling of throwing up returns. I'm still trying to be respectful, considering I'm practically using her. "You c-can say no, I-I get it," I take a deep breath, "ButIthinkyou'rekindacutedoyouwannahangoutsometime?"

  Damn, if asking someone out I don't even know is going to be that hard, how hard is it going to be ask someone out when I actually like them?

  I made eye contact with the girl that sat behind me™ for the first time ever... and I suddenly realize...

  Oh my fucking god, that's not a girl.

  It's a guy.

  And a bloody cute one at that.

  "I-I... uhhh..." he stuttered out awkwardly, his whole face red.

  Oh my god, I wanted to ask a girl out to trick people into thinking I'm straight, but I asked a guy out, fuckfuckfuck.

This is literally the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

  "Uh... o-okay sure," he said, softly, his statement ending with a small smile. His voice was so gentle and soft-spoken that I could barely hear it.

And he said yes? Wow. That's just a bunch of acid on the already flaming building. I accidentally asked a cute gay guy out.

  I freeze, thinking I am such an idiot I am such an idiot I am such an idiot. I can't just say:  'You've been bamboozled! You're on an episode of #Prankd! The camera's right there, bro!'

  He'll probably cry. He looks really sensitive.

  Man, people only had speculation that I was gay before, now I have a fucking boyfriend. An unsolicited boyfriend that I in no way intended to have. A boyfriend that I know literally nothing about. A boyfriend that I thought was a girl up until a minute ago!

Like I said, people had speculation. That's it. I shouldn't have listened to aggressively reassuring back pat Rich Qoragsklalsshiq! He's completely fucked me over! What was I thinking? I could've just denied the rumours. I have a boyfriend. And yeah, it felt nice saying that, but I'm pretty sure it won't sound nice to the rest of the school. People will have no doubts I'm gay now. Fuckfuckfuck.

  "Uh, wh-why?" He finally spoke up again. His voice was so quiet that I had to lean in to hear him. Okay, Michael, just make up some smooth lie. I look down at the desk, trying to think of something, and I see his name tag right there: "Jeremy Heere."

  If I just looked at that, this whole situation could've been avoided.

In the three seconds I regretfully stared down at his name tag, I fabricated a semi-believable lie.

  "Well, uh, I... I just think you're cute?" My semi-believable lie ended up coming out like a murderer trying to come up with an alibi on the spot, but luckily Jeremy seemed to be oblivious.

  "Y-You're not making a joke?" It took me a moment to register what he said, goddamnit his voice is quiet, "Y-You're not just making fun of me?"

  I mean, I should've just said yes. It would've saved me three years of my life.

  Yeah. This went on for three years. We'll get to that later.

  "No! Not at all," I said in fake disbelief. He bought it though.

  "Y-you like guys too?" He stuttered out softly, losing complete interest in his drawing. I took note of the "too" in that sentence.

I nod awkwardly. God, I can't believe I fucked up so hard.

And we talked for the rest of the day, and honestly, here's the truth:

I could've done worse.

He was nice to talk to, even. But this isn't what I wanted. Rich said people are gonna harass me for being gay, and equally they'd probably harass Jeremy. He doesn't deserve to be dragged into this.

However, I enjoyed the moment while it lasted, knowing that I'd have to break it off with Jeremy at some point, but I was going to allow it for a while.

One thing about Jeremy: I'm really good at making him laugh. I'll just say the first thing that comes to mind, and he'll think it's hilarious. I always asked him for some stories, but he always said the same thing: "I like to listen more than I like talking."

  When he does talk though, it's nice. He gives me some weird dolphin fact or he says something that's kinda adorable, but that doesn't mean I like him or anything. I didn't even mean to ask him out. There's no attraction involved.

And we ended up walking down the hallways while holding hands, and it was nice to sit with him during recess, it really was. Everyone took note of that.

And the truth was no-one gave us dirty looks in the halls. Middleborough ended up being accepting, which was surprising. People would even come up and congratulate us. People would shoot us smiles. People were accepting.

However, the talk Rich gave me was seriously drilled into my head. So much to the point that if I saw someone laughing about transformers or something, my dumbass 10-year-old self would assume that they were laughing at Jeremy and I.

And it was unfair on Jeremy, it really was. Because our "relationship" was built off of nothing but lies. And he genuinely loved me. And I thought I didn't love him.

I remember around the time we both turned 13, we were hanging out at my house. My parents were super proud that I got a "boyfriend" if you can even call him that.

  We were having a sleepover, and we were just kinda laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and I told him a bunch of random stories, which of course, in the typical Jeremy Heere way, laughed at every single of them. However, his laughs seemed a bit more strained and just all around sadder than usual.

  And then he said something that planted the idea into my mind that I needed to stop.

I remember his words vividly: "I'm just kinda scared you don't love me as much as I love you." Followed by an awkward laugh.

And that churned my stomach in ways that I didn't know it could.

And that was the event that set it off: This needs to stop.