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The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Done Ever On This Bitch Of An Earth

  I had to stop.

So I did it in the worst way possible.

I didn't want to keep the break-up private, the whole reason I was breaking up with him in the first place was because I needed the public to think I wasn't gay.  And I needed to not drag Jeremy into a situation where his relationship with me is just a massive lie. Even when he doesn't know it.

Of course, if I were to go back and do it now, the easiest way to do it was to break up with him privately, let him off easily, continue to be his friend, and then tell a few people that are known for gossiping, and wait until it spreads across the school.

See, that's the smart thing to do.

Little 13-year-old me did think of this idea, but for some unthinkable reason thought straight afterward: "Hey, what if I pull a MASSIVE dick move instead and just completely ruin the guy's life?"

  And that's just what I did.

  Fuck, I don't even remember what was going through my mind. We sat at our usual place, and it's not like the 7th grade square was big, it was even smaller than the 4th grade one, and that was already pretty tiny. So people were pretty tight.

  Meaning basically that most people talked in a low voice so people couldn't eavesdrop. If you raised your voice by even a few decibels, people on the opposite side of the square would be able to hear you.

  So that's what I did.

  I sat down on the bench, having my normal conversations with Jeremy, him laughing throughout and keeping a tight grip on my hand. I stared down at our interlocked fingers for a sad second, and thought: 'maybe I can pretend for a little longer,' but I quickly dismissed my own thoughts. This is happening today.

I'll spare you the details, but to boil it down, I ended up starting a petty argument with him out of nowhere, which wasn't his fault and ended breaking up with him like that. It wasn't an actual argument, I just made one up out of the blue, raised my voice so everyone would hear the break-up, and then left.

Needless to say, Jeremy was confused through the most of it. We never argued, let alone something I just pulled out of nowhere. He kept whispering (at least I thought he was whispering, but he insists that whispering is just his normal speaking tone) for me to keep my voice down so that we could 'talk it out.' I, however, just raised my voice even higher, making sure everyone could hear that that was indeed the end of our relationship.

And I felt kinda bad, because after Jeremy started hanging with me he did become more confident, but after what I like to call The Great Incident of 2013, he went back to his old state. Never lifting up his head, just drawing all day and not going out for recess.

And the worst part is that everyone comforted me, even though I wasn't the one really hurting over this. Chloe ended up giving me a talk, saying that 'i am so ashamed,' and 'i can't believe you tried to make this a public thing.'

Chloe came out as lesbian after she saw that Jeremy and I were well received, so I ended up spilling all of it to her the day she came out. Telling her how it was all lies. Telling her how I thought I was asking a girl out. 

  And she told me that I just had to just wait. She told me I had to just wait until it all made sense. Just wait until I realized why I broke up with him in the first place. And I didn't know what she meant.

I know what she means now.

But we'll talk about that later.

  Remember that paragraph. It'll be important later on.

So telling her I had to break it off with Jeremy, she also suggested I do it lightheartedly, but my dumbass decided to do something completely different. Of course, she was disappointed, I knew she'd be, but it was what seemed best at the time.

People ended up giving Jeremy a hard time for it, which kinda upset me, it wasn't his fault, but hey, it's only 7th grade. After a year he'll be in high-school, right? People will forget about it and move on.

Sadly, it ended up following him well into high-school, according to Chloe at least, we ended up going to different schools so I admittedly didn't have much contact with him.And I guess that was a good thing, no awkward stares or guilty stomach churns.

It was over.

I ended it.

  But I did kinda miss it. I guess there was no real love there, but I loved talking to Jeremy. I loved making him laugh. If I didn't break up with him in such a shitty way, then maybe we could've stayed friends.

  And you're probably thinking: "Oh! But Michael! This is a book! Books always have happy endings! Therefore, somehow, for no real reason, Jeremy will come to your school, you'll talk, and you'll fall hopelessly in love!"

  Yeah, no. This chapter is titled: "The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Done Ever On This Bitch Of An Earth" for a reason. Not gonna happen.

  Besides, I don't even think Jeremy would want to talk to me, y'know, considering. Chloe would always give me shit for it and say how Jeremy can barely speak at school anymore, but my theory is that she's trying to make me feel guilty

  He could barely speak in the first place, no actions I made could possibly make that worse, right? Unless I socked him in the vocal chords, which, to my knowledge, I did not.

  He was always quiet, he always had a stutter, he was always soft-spoken, I had nothing to do with that. It was just Jeremy.

  And it's not like I even care about whatever happens to the kid anymore. I just wanted him out of my dating life, and now he is. Did I want him out of my friendship life too? Not particularly, but he is. I can't say more, I can't say less.

  And yeah, I felt guilty for a bit, but not for long. Jeremy's well-being is none of my concern anymore anyway. I shouldn't beat myself up over a kid who probably hates me now.

  And besides, I didn't need to get another "girlfriend." After realizing people were pretty accepting of gay people in Middleborough, I just came out.

  So I just moved on with my life.