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Who Knew Discussing Death With The Popular Jock Could Be So Calming

I don't know how I got here.

  It's 3AM, I have school tomorrow, and I'm wasting my life away, constantly swapping between two tabs.

Tab #1: A shitty excuse for a flash game that I go to every now and then when I'm feeling stressed. I have no idea what the objective is, I have no idea what the controls are, but something about just smashing random keys and then watching as something random happens is calming.

  I feel like it's a pretty good metaphor for my life at the moment. I don't know what the controls are, but sometimes key-smashing is the only thing that gets shit done. Whether or not that shit is good or not is entirely up to my luck, of which I have none. Sometimes when I slam my head against the keyboard, something good happens that leads me closer to the goal (though I have no idea what that goal is) and I'll try to recreate whatever I just did, so that something good can happen again, but I'd already forgotten what key I pressed.

  Yeah. This whole situation is just like that.

  Tab #2: One of those websites that looked oddly scholarly, focusing on the MBTI personalities, because like I said, any knowledge I had of it was completely down the drain. I've already opened the "INFP" tab so see what the fuck Jeremy is all about, but every time I look at how long the article was I got intimidated and went back to "playing" the shitty flash game.

  And honestly, it's stupid. It really is. Figuring out Jeremy's personality was like my number one objective these last few days, and now I have a stupid website that may or may not answer some of my stupid questions, yet here I was, avoiding it as much as possible.

  It felt wrong reading about it, if that even made sense. I'd open the article and then I'd feel some sense of wrongness well up in my throat and I'd instantly close it again. I can't place what the feeling is, though. All I know is it makes my stomach churn and it's made me avoid this web page for the last three hours.

  So I made a silent deal with myself. I set a timer for five minutes, and said I'd read it without getting distracted for that period of time, and see if I can gather anything from it. If not, then I go to bed, if yes, then I keep reading. Alright, I can do that. Only five minutes, right?

  I opened the article and clenched my teeth, the churning stomach feeling coming back. I start the timer and tried to skim read, holding on to any sentences that told me anything.

  One of things the website put a lot of emphasis on was the "INFP's are very optimistic!" part, which I could kinda see? i mean, he has cancer and he's dealing with that pretty well. But then again he seemed really pessimistic about the whole us "dating" situation. I mean, if he was optimistic, would he really be assuming I hate him just because I kinda lied about being romantically attracted to him? That's pretty much the opposite of optimistic isn't it?

Then I went to the next paragraph that said that INFP's take things too personally. Oh. Oops. My bad.

  Okay, okay, everything seems to line up, so maybe this isn't a total waste and maybe I will get actual knowledge from this stupid website.

  One of the points were: "....they are difficult to get to know." Yeah, you got that right.

  Another one, much to my dismay, said: "INFPs are private, reserved and self-conscious." In other words: What the fuck did I get myself into?

  After reading through the entire article, (completely ignoring the timer, I might add) I felt like I had at least a tiny bit more information on Jeremy. That's something, right? I'm not clueless anymore.

  I was so upset with the guy for being so closed off, but now I know it's actually his fucking personality and not just a bad habit. So that made me feel guilty. Maybe Jeremy was opening up to me and I just refused to acknowledge it because it wasn't enough to me for some moronic reason.