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Oh Gott, Oh Verdammt, Warum Muss Ich Auf Dieser Erde Leben

  tw ; theres a suicide joke but it's only like one sentence. also jeremy says a homophobic slur but he says it as a joke so??? idk if you're easily put off by that then please be careful lov ya <3<3<3<3<3

Jeremy's cat, Schnappi, is not only a Nazi, but she is also an expert at vomiting everywhere.

I'm supposed to meet Rich tomorrow at Burrata, and I've mentally wrote out a little dialogue in my brain which I've slowly memorized by repeating it to myself every second of every day while I desperately try and get Schnappi to stop throwing up on me.

It's not that hard. It can't be that hard.

I just need to prove to him that I'm not abusive, which sounds like an easy feat. I mean, I'm not abusive, right? So if I show up and act like myself then there's no way I'd leave a bad taste in his mouth.

Then my mind started wandering.

I mean, Jeremy flinches a lot, doesn't he? What if I make some kind of wild hand movement and Jeremy flinches, ultimately causing Rich to realize that I'm an abusive jackass, and that a restraining order with no expiration date needs to be signed A.S.A.P.

Unfortunately I have bigger fish to fry than my boyfriend's friend thinking that I'm a non-white gay Christian Grey.

While I've had the chance to monologue to you about all my worries, Schnappi has been frantically vomiting all over the carpet while I desperately try and shove anti-emetic pills down her throat.

How does Jeremy do this? He makes it look so easy. He gave me a quick demonstration on how to get the pill in her mouth, and Schnappi was a literal angel who had descended from the heavens, swallowing the pill without even the mildest bit of vomit.

However, when I try to get her to swallow it, it's like World War II, which Schnappi very obviously fought in. You'd think that if she was so obviously a Nazi she'd hate Jeremy, but somehow she seems to hate me.

Vomiting is normal though. Jeremy thoroughly warned me about it. Schnappi was being unusual in other ways, though.

She's getting very skinny. So skinny that I can feel her ribs when I pet her sometimes. If something happens to Jeremy's cat while she's under my care, he will never forgive me. He will file the divorce papers faster than I'll be able to shove a pill down Schnappi's throat.

So, naturally, I went to my most reliable source.

"Okay, so you're like, good with cats, right?"

She cocks an eyebrow up, "Uh... no? Not even a little bit? I'm good with dogs."

"Christine, please," I beg, "If this cat isn't happy and healthy by the time Jeremy comes back our marriage will fall apart. Save my marriage, Christine."

"She looks fine."

"She's been drinking way too much water! Like a dangerous amount. And look how skinny she's getting!"

Christine scoots over to her and puts a hand at either side of Schnappi's face, looking her in the eyes, "She looks fi— Oh Jesus Christ."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Her breath smells awful."

"Well, yeah, she has been vomiting a lot."

"Has she been eating enough?"

"I keep giving her food, but she won't eat it."

Christine eyes widen and she assesses the situation, "Michael, you have to take her to the vet. Like as soon as possible."