The Way The World Ends ✓

Chapter 16. Indigo

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Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

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My lips still tingled when I fell into my bed. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If I closed my eyes I could remember the feeling better. The intense moment leading up to the kiss that was charged with needy energy, his nose rubbing against mine, his fingers gently weaving through my hair, the pressure of his soft lips, his tongue...

My insides started squealing again and I couldn't help but smile so wide my cheeks hurt. It felt like my insides were trying to break free of my skin to dance around the room. My body vibrated slightly from the excitement and unfamiliar amount of joy coursing through my veins. I couldn't remember the last time I was this happy. I jumped off my bed and bounced on the balls of my feet, my hands clasped in front of me tightly to keep them from flailing against my own will. I began to pace, unable to even stand in the same spot.

I didn't know this could happen to me. In all honesty, even before my condition became even worse a couple years ago, I didn't think I would be capable of a relationship. There were a couple of things holding me back: I thought no one could handle my setbacks in a relationship, which was probably true of most people, and I also thought that I couldn't handle a relationship. I always reminded myself, whenever I was interested in a guy, that there were so many other girls who could offer more than me. Girls who could go out and do dating things without anything holding them back. Why would anyone want to date the dollar store version of high school girls? Besides that, I thought it would be too much of a chore to force myself to go out on dates and carry the burden of even more social anxiety. The general public was hard enough to interact with, but someone in an intimate situation sounded even more daunting. Even if I found someone I felt comfortable with, what were the odds they would be crazy enough to accept all of my flaws?

My heart started to fall into my stomach, but then I reminded myself that I wasn't totally uncomfortable with Nate. Any time I was alone with him, I never felt like I was going to have a panic attack. He was comfortable. Being with him was like second nature. There were moments when I was nervous, but those moments were formed by an unfamiliar type of nervousness: an excited kind of anxiety. It wasn't the kind I experienced every day, but instead something new and exciting that I wanted to feel again. It was thrilling and exhilarating to be around him. In fact, just thinking about Nate made my heart buzz with anticipation for what was to come.

The feeling intensified when I felt a short hum against my butt. I fished my phone out of my pocket, fully aware that it was Nate texting me before I woke the screen.

Nate Bennett less than 1m ago

If that was your first kiss, I can't imagine how good you'll get with practice ;)

A nervous bubble of laughter spilled out of my mouth at his cheekiness. I smiled to myself and wrote back quickly,

Hey! How do you know that was my first kiss?!

Just teasing. It was very nice :)

After being with him, I was on a high. I felt like I could do anything, and I felt clever enough to carry a conversation with the world's most renowned quick-witted person. I felt smart. I felt beautiful. I felt powerful. All after just one date with him. Who knew a person could have this much effect on me after I tried so hard not to let that happen again? The initial afterthought scared me, but I forced myself to think logically instead of giving in to pure conjecture. I knew that I needed to start trusting people again and that I couldn't hold onto my fears forever, no matter how hard it was. Though it was easier said than done. While I was lost in thought, I hadn't noticed that he had replied to my text almost immediately.