The Way The World Ends ✓

Chapter 17. Indigo

~

Waking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

~

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hid behind my jeans so just my eyes were visible. I didn't wonder why he was here. It didn't really matter to me that he needed to be here for some reason. Well, obviously I cared if something was wrong, but if there was something wrong, it wouldn't change how I felt about him.

How did I feel about him? Pretty good. I doubted he would feel the same if he found out why I was here. That's what scared me the most. I didn't want him to sit in on any discussion about just how screwed up I was. I never wanted him to know this much. I knew that I was fooling myself if I thought he could somehow never find out and we could still be together, but I was hoping to hold onto the bliss for just a little bit longer. If he knew what I was then he wouldn't want to be with me. It was selfish, but I wanted to hold onto this better version of myself for as long as I could before it all came crashing down. I wanted him to think we could have a normal relationship. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run. I wanted to shrink into the cushion until I became part of the chair. It was getting too real. I didn't like reality all that much; I preferred fantasy land where everything could go the way I wanted it to go.

"Why don't you start by telling us what brought you in here today." Keith prompted, leaning back in his chair after Nate warily sat.

Nate let out a long breath. "Okay." I glanced up to see he was balancing on the very edge of his seat like he was ready to bolt too. "Well, my dad told me I should start coming back here again. I tried this a few years ago when I was having trouble with school, and now this year being my senior year I'm a lot more stressed out and it's manifesting itself in not so great ways. With college, and... other stuff," he glanced at me quickly and looked away. I blushed and turtled my head back down.

"Mhmm. So, was there anything in particular that made you come back?"

"Well," Nate began again, sounding like he was trying desperately to sort the words out in his head before he said them. "I have A.D.H.D. I blurt out everything that's on my mind, and I can't focus, which seems ridiculous. I understand everything that's going on in my classes," He frowned at the floor, "but I just can't... I don't know. Every time I try to take a test or something my mind goes blank. It's an endless game of word association. Like, when did the French Revolution start? Then I think French, French bread, I'm hungry, when's lunch? I hope its pizza, pizza, my dog likes pizza, I have to feed him when I get home—." Keith cleared his throat to signal for Nate to keep moving. "Right. Sorry. You see, that just keeps happening. And if I'm doing anything and I get overly stressed or excited or just really over stimulated I start bouncing off the walls."

"Go on," Keith said, leaning forward. "Tell us about what you were telling me in our preliminary meeting about what happens with the frustration."

"I get really mad at myself when I can't do something I should be able to do, or like, something I can say in class but then can't write down on a test," he continued. "And sometimes my emotions change quickly, and I can't hide it. So, if I get mad or happy or sad it happens like a light switching on and off." He shifted in his chair, clearly uncomfortable.

The room was intensely silent until someone offered an, "I think I understand that. I also hate it when people make fun of me for it." I didn't see who said it because I was extremely fascinated by the pattern of the carpet.