The Way The World Ends ✓

Chapter 26. Indigo

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Between the idea

And the reality

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That night, Nate asked me if I was ready to go back to school yet. I thought about it, trying to imagine how it would feel to see Andrew again, especially after what he said around Nate. Who knew what else he had been saying. Was I ready to walk down the hall and see that face, those hands? The man that hurt physically and mentally? As much as I was worried about myself seeing Andrew, a large part of me was worried about what would happen when Nate saw him again. They'd already come to blows once this week; I didn't know what to expect the second time they met. My mind jumped to an image of Andrew pounding into Nate while I cried in the corner. I closed my eyes tight running my fingers through my tangled hair, resting my forehead on my palm. The fear started to strangle me, and I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. Nate saw this and said,

"You don't have to go back until you're ready." He got up from his seat at the kitchen table and knelt down next to me, wrapping his arm around my lap and taking my hand. I squeezed it, thankful.

I leaned down and nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck and inhaled the insanely comforting scent of coffee and cinnamon. "You smell really good," I mumbled, trying to change the subject.

He saw through my attempt and looked up at me with soft eyes when I pulled away.

"I'm going to have to go back eventually," I sighed, closing my eyes to help focus on my breathing. "It's not going to get better. I just have to do it. It's going to be unpleasant, but at some point, I can't hide anymore. I just have to rip off the band-aide. Face the world."

I opened my eyes to see him smiling of all things. When I cocked my head to the side in wonder, he marveled, "you're getting better. I can see it. You wouldn't have said that five months ago. Even though I know it feels like you took a huge step backward... I don't know. You're starting to take control of yourself. I know the anxiety is still there and it always will be, but... you're starting to control it instead of letting it control you. It's really something amazing. Most people would probably let it consume them, but not you. You're something special."

I thought about that for a moment. He wasn't wrong. Even though I still had the anxiety, before last weekend I didn't let it stop me from doing things nearly as much. It was always present and always would be present, but I hadn't been letting it keep me from doing normal things. Those normal things were harder than they should have been, granted, but I still did them. I guess it was making me stronger, and the stronger I became, the more I could do. I sat up a little straighter and took in a deep breath, somewhat pleased for the moment.

"Maybe you're right," I said.

"Maybe?" He asked, raising an eyebrow the way he did when he knew he was right. "Take some credit. You've been doing really well. I'm really proud of you." His mouth quirked up in his endearing lopsided smile.

I smiled, and my heart swelled. After all, it was because of him that I was doing better. He helped open my eyes to the world and not just who I was, but who I could be. All of the things I could accomplish.

"Okay," I said, squeezing his hand. "I'm going to go to school tomorrow. But... I'm really going to need you, I think. I definitely can't be alone. Otherwise, I might physically run away." I laughed nervously.

"Of course." He said, leaning forward to kiss me. "You better stick with me because I'm going to need you to hold me back." He joked, but I knew he was being serious underneath his tone. He needed me to reassure him that I was okay. That we were there for each other. "I can't believe you." He murmured against my collarbone.