Okay trigger warning time!!!! Well not really trigger warning but just a warning that this is really hacking sad!!
This is just really sad and I don't want to bring anyone down please read being aware of your own mental state and if it's not at its best DO NOT READ!!
Oke enough of me, I now present, well... me.
_____________________________
Nights just really suck. I can never sleep. I put my phone away so I can try my best but I just think if things that make me sad.
Like, how I'm stuck at home all summer while my friends are off anywhere and everywhere living their best lives. I'm just here balling my eyes out because I'm so happy for them, they get to be happy, which makes me a little happy knowing the people I love the most are happy.
Or, how I have to stay home because I was in a car accident and am recovering. And I had to have surgery which costs so much freaking money, which we don't have. I feel so freaking worthless because anything I could do to make money requires work I'm not allowed to do or when I do really hurts. My mom is so stressed. I'm so stressed. I have to be happy for her because if I'm not she's not which in turn make me feel like I have to cheer her up. She has literally said before that she has nothing else to live for except me. Which is really scary because I am so much like my mom and I love her so much and I can never show her the whole me. She just sees the happy me! The sarcastic me! And the annoyed me!
Because I just wake up like this, hurting and worrying about how I look or how I sound or how much of a freaking waste I am. People say I make them happy but it just feels like they say that because they know I want to make them happy. I am always putting up this front pretending that I'm happy and positive, and I do actually try to be, but it takes so much freaking energy so I'm exhausted but can never sleep.
I wanna tell people these things I want to me able to trust people but I just can't. I am the worst judge of character. I can never tell when people are joking and I'm scared to ask because I don't want them to think I'm stupid, even though I am. I'm just so used to bottling things up and never telling anyone and then breaking down by myself, alone. But it has to be that way; I have to be strong, I have to be happy.
I always thought I told people too much, so bit by bit I started telling my true feelings less and less. And now? It just feels like I'm lying to everyone, which I guess I am. I just want to have some one to rant to about anything and everything. I probably have someone like that but I just don't trust anyone anymore. And I never want to do it over text. It scares me to death to think that things like that could be spread. If I ever did trust someone like that I would always be insecure about them telling someone, I can't breathe just thinking of that.
I just want to be okay, I don't even know if I'm going to post this, probably not, I don't wanna burden others with my problems.
________________________________
Hiiii, so this was really ducking sad, I know.
I would like to state I am in a better state of mind atm this was written I while ago but it's the first essay so... yay!
The next poem/ essay will be a happy one I promise!!
- Gabby🌱
أنت تقرأ
A look into my universe (a collection of poems/ essays I wrote) 💫
الشعرTitle pretty much explains it,, - - This book probably won't ever be finished,, - - - I am no poet I just write what comes to mind,, - - - - I hope you enjoy this OVER EXAGGERATED version of my life, through my eyes!!
