A look into my universe (a collection of poems/ essays I wrote) 💫

Hug your friends

Is it weird to fear making others unconformable?

I have had trouble making and keeping connections recently, and I'm not completely sure why. I partially feel it is because I came out. I was always so touchy with my friends, always giving hugs and just cuddling and being close to each other.

But after I came out, I slowly receded more into this hole in me that lacks the ability to hold a human connection. I'm probably being over dramatic and this probably isn't an actual issue. But I often find myself putting an extra seat between me and my friends, or standing just far enough from my friend that I've made the whole situation awkward.

I will never talk about this, it seems too odd to tell a friend, "will you hug me, or just like hold me? I'm feeling rather parched in the human contact department." Like no one can just casually just bring that up. I'm touch starved. I do wish that it was usual for friends to cuddle. I just want the warmth or just the simple gesture to show mutual love and admiration for each other.

I came to the conclusion about all of this the other week, when a friend and I had a conversation. We were discussing how far the barriers go in friendships. (Like hugging, hand holding, small kisses, etc.) She was talking about how she wished to hold friends hands, kiss her friends on the cheek, basically just stuff like that. [this friend is very straight, but accepting and just a good human all around,, also I don't like this person in a romantic way at all] We discussed our personal boundaries and ever since we'll hold hands and dance and I'm slowly getting used to it. I still jump and am stunned sometimes, when I feel her reach for me. It feels so good to be able to show my platonic love for this person, that I otherwise wouldn't know how to express,, I am truly awful with words. There are some things that words just cannot say, or express to use a better term.

I love my friends, I do don't get me wrong, they are great people but sometimes I feel like I'm accidentally going to cross someone boundary and make them uncomfortable. And that is the last thing I want to do, I never want to make my friends uncomfortable being around me. I feel it might just be a bit of internalized homophobia, but it can't be, right? I'm such an accepting and understanding person, I've never been homophobic my mom isn't, she didn't raise me like that. So how has this idea that I can't be physically close to my girl friends been engrained into my scull? Who put it there? Why? Why must they make my life much more difficult than it needs to be?

Because of myself I will be alone,, my friends will stop trying to see what's wrong with me. They will stop hanging around me because they will always think I've got a crush on one of them. But they will do it unconsciously, it will happen slowly just a hang out, here and there that I won't be envied to. Then places I will be told not to go. Sleepovers will be the first things to go. I will end up alone because they are thinking as I am. They will think I'm gross, a terrible human, someone who repulses them. These are many things that are not true and will not happen because, as I've said before my friends are great people. But my brain is one manipulative little bastard. It will twist and contort the truth until all those lies come true, by my own doing.

How can I tell my friends to wait for me? Like go on live your lives I just need to take a breather, but please don't leave me in the dust. Please don't forget me, I know some of you already have and I can't blame you,, it's not your fault I push you guys away. But don't give up on me. Sometimes I will forget I have friends, and isolate myself to go through stuff alone. And well, that's not the best thing to do. Sometimes I just need a little push. For example, scream in my face and tell me I'm doing it again. Like "GABBY STOP PUSHING ME AWAY, IM JUST TRYING TO HELLPPP!!" And I will know that person is a true friend. Jesus, I should just hug my friends more often. Everyone should hug their friends more.

Maybe I'll write a song about that.

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Well,, that was long and written at 2 am when the thoughts in my head wouldn't stop spinning. Oh well, probably don't read too much into that, I'm probably being too over dramatic.

-gabby