Free to Love

Chapter 63

Joanna

I spent Easter morning alone in my apartment. The idea of facing my family and all their questions when they saw my ringless hand was more than I could deal with. I'd gotten to my place yesterday and had spent the last 24 hours in bed, except for brief breaks to pee and to eat.

I'd made the mistake of looking at Instagram this morning. There was a series of adorable Easter pictures of Grace and Nolan that made me burst into fresh tears. I'd really wanted to spend the holiday with them. Shawn and I had so much fun shopping for goodies for their baskets. As I looked at the pictures, I hoped they liked their candy and that their egg hunt had been fun.

Had Shawn told them? They'd be so upset. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt them. They were my life. Except they weren't going to be now.

I was startled out of my crying fest by a loud knock at the door. My heart leapt at the thought that maybe it was Shawn. I desperately wanted him to show up, but I was also scared to see him again. It would hurt too much to have another talk that ended with him not being able to tell me what I needed to hear.

I blew my nose and climbed out of bed. I looked through my peephole and saw a Mendes, only it wasn't Shawn.

"Aaliyah?" I said as I opened the door.

"Hi, Joanna. Can I come in?"

"I'm a mess right now," I said, but I extended the door open so that she could enter.

"I'd have been surprised to find you anything but a mess," she said as she gave me a long hug.

"How's Shawn?" I asked. "And Gracie and Nolan?"

"The kids don't know. Shawn? He's trying hard to keep it together. I think he's sorting some stuff out."

I nodded. "Want to sit down?"

We took seats on my couch.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee?" I asked, somewhat confused by Aaliyah's visit.

"I'm good. I'm full of Easter breakfast and candy. Gracie and Nolan kept giving treats to me and Alec."

A smile crossed my face because that was so typical of them. They were so generous and sweet.

"Are you here to check up on me?" I asked.

"No. Not really. I'm here to give you something. Shawn told us about what happened. Let me just say, I totally get where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do. I'm not going to badmouth my brother, because he lost his wife and I have no idea what that's like. I know it was earth-shattering for him, though. Maybe he hasn't handled all of his grief perfectly, but he's shown so much improvement since you came into his life."

I grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes. "I know. And I know I should be a better or stronger person. It's just so hard. When I get married, I want to be the love of my husband's life. I can't settle for being the second choice."

Aaliyah leaned over and gave me a comforting hug. "I'm going to let Shawn address your feelings. I have no right to speak for him, but I will say this: you're wrong if you think you're secondary."

"I love him so much, Aaliyah," I sobbed.

"That's why things are going to work out between the two of you. Two people who are in love like you two are can work through anything."

I wondered if what she said was true. Could we work through this?

"What did you want to give me?" I asked.

She grabbed her purse and pulled out an envelope. On the front was a heart.

"Before Mallory died, she reached out to a ton of people. A lot of that was just saying goodbye, but some of us were given tasks. Maybe Shawn's told you about some of that. If not, you should ask him. It was pretty extraordinary of her to contact friends and family members to make sure they each helped Shawn and the kids in some way."

I felt fresh tears fall on my cheeks, but they weren't sad tears. I had such admiration for Mallory.

Smiling sadly, I said, "I really wish I'd known her."

Aaliyah grabbed my hand. "I'm not telling you this to put Mallory even higher up on a pedestal. I loved her and she was awesome, but you, Joanna, are just as awesome and I love you just as much."

Funny, my ex-future-sister-in-law managed to say exactly what I'd desperately needed her brother to tell me.

"So anyway...Mal gave me this letter with the instruction to give it to Shawn's future wife. I was going to give it to you at the house this weekend, but obviously you weren't there. That's why I'm here. I needed to deliver the letter."

"But we're not-"

She put a hand up to silence me. "I know you called off the wedding, but let's forget that for now. You need to read the letter after I leave. And then you need to read it again when Shawn shows up here, which I feel like could be pretty soon. You have to read it together."

"Did Shawn say he's coming here?" I asked.

"No, but I know him. He's not going to let much time pass before he does what he needs to do to make things right."

She handed me the letter. "I've read it, by the way. Mallory made me promise I would. She was worried maybe it would be weird or something and gave me the authority to burn it if it was."

I wanted to say it was definitely a little weird to get a letter from beyond the grave, but I didn't.

Aaliyah stood up. "You need to do whatever is best for you, and I support you on that. But hear Shawn out and trust whatever he says to you."

"I'll definitely listen to what he has to say," I said.

We hugged and she left.

I stared at the envelope for a minute. I was afraid to open it. I set it down on the counter and went to the bathroom. I looked terrible. If Shawn was coming by, he'd probably be horrified. Actually, no he wouldn't. I knew that I could look my worst and he'd never care.

I redid my pony tail and blew my nose. I changed into a fresh t-shirt and yoga pants after putting on some deodorant and spraying myself lightly with perfume, because I hadn't showered since Friday.

It was time to read the letter. I had mixed feelings about it. Mallory was the root of my problems with Shawn. Not that she was to blame; she was innocent in all this. Her only crime was loving the man I loved before I even met him. And that wasn't a crime. He wouldn't even be the man I loved if it wasn't for her.

Taking the letter in my hands, I sat down on the couch. The heart on the envelope was lovely. It looked quickly drawn and was slightly asymmetrical, but it had flair. One of the skills I taught my kindergartners was drawing shapes, including a heart, so I always appreciated a nicely constructed one.

I started to pull the letter out of the envelope when I heard a knock. I set it down and walked towards my door. I didn't look through the peephole this time, because I knew who it was.

I opened the door and threw myself into Shawn's arms.