throwback
to when i was depressed and forced myself out of that damn bed every single fucking day through lakes of tears
to when i was at ease wearing long sleeved sweatshirts that i would cry in, locked in a bathroom stall
to when i was smiling as i gave a piece of my lunch to the people at my table, not bothering to say how i haven't eaten for a few days now
to when i was changing in my room with the door shut and my mom walked in and ignored the cuts on my bare thighs
to when i was trying so hard to fall asleep but was violated by the anxious thoughts screaming and abusing my brain
to when i was so desperate to grab onto a lifeboat that i gripped onto the cabinet handle and grabbed the pill bottle
to when i was sitting on the kitchen floor, my dog sniffing me while i sobbed about the six pills i swallowed
to when i was scared those six pills would kill me
to when i was scared those six pills wouldn't kill me
to when i was stripped naked in front of my mother, staring her dead in the eyes as i hid the real answer from my lips to her question of "why did you do this?"
throwback to the winter of rage that i carried on my breaking shoulders
