How to save a Life (Jalex)

Can you feel my heart?

So, I'm writing this at the beginning although I know you won't read it anyways. This story contains so much triggering and self harm.. If you have these triggering moments, please do me a favour and tell it somebody. It is no good in keeping it to you and staying silent, it will destroy you. Tell your friends, your parents, your brother or sister or even an online friend.

Please stay strong!

P.S.: I made an official playlist on Youtube, I will update regularly and there you can find every song I used for this fanfiction. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPeOJMXXWerFldMKeFS_8aR9Ioq-WSR2I

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“Can you hear the silence? Can you see the dark? Can you fix the broken? Can you feel, can you feel my heart? Can you help the hopeless? Well, I'm begging on my knees. Can you save my busted soul? Will you wait for me? I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover” (Bring me the Horizon – Can you feel my heart)

Alex P.O.V.

Why did he see me? Why did he come to me? Why did he grip my arm so tightly? Why hadn't he just let me be? Why did he still looked so handsome? Why-

Stop. I had to stop this before I start over thinking. I couldn't get a panic attack right now, not in front of him. He should believe that I'm better or at least not worse alone. If he was worried, the others would be, too, and I don't want that. They should be happy and have an awesome life instead of always worrying about their fucked up friend.

'Cause that's what I am. Fucked up. It's just the best definition of what I was and always will be. The third wheel. Useless. Weak. Not important. Unhealthy.

He dragged me into an empty room and pushed me on the bed there. Looked expectantly at me. As I didn't answer he grew impatient and sat down next to me. “What happened to you, Lexy? Where were you? Is it- is it worse again?”

He sounded so worried but did he really care? Did he really think I wouldn't see behind his façade? He asked because he had to. Why should he care to be honest? I was his best friend but left. I can't be his best friend any more, I didn't even know anything about him right now. Of course, I knew everything everybody knew, but that weren't the things that mattered.

“Alex, you can talk to me, you know? I know we hadn't had a good time lately and I want to change that, please..”

“You couldn't change that, even if you wanted nothing more and did everything you could, Jack. We aren't Jalex any more. I'm not your marshmallow cream to your tongue nor anything else I was. I changed and it can't be like it used to be. I- I'm to fucked up, Jack.. I don't want to hurt you or the guys any more! I want to let you live happily without me because I just hold you back, you can't deny it. Without me you would be so much more famous, you would have more fans, you could have so much more money.. I wish we wouldn't have met back then.. You guys wouldn't have had to worry so much, you would've been more carefree..”, I rambled.

Jack's eyes widened and he looked so shocked.. Did he play that? Of course he does!

“Alex, I don't care if you have changed or not. You will always be the marshmallow cream to my tongue. We will always be Jalex, it's our little bromance, you forgot? And no matter how fucked up you are, I.. we love you. You are the reason we're famous, you are the voice behind All Time Low and without you we would be screwed. And what if we haven't met? I wouldn't have such an awesome life with touring around the world and being who I am. I would sit in an office and think of what could've been. And I'll always care about you.”, he whispered, engulfing me in a hug.

I broke down. I don't know why, but maybe it was just this hug I needed. This one hug from this one person I love the most. I cried and cried and he just drew small circles on my back. I clung more and more onto him, he was my saving anchor.

“You will be okay, Lex. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even next year. But one day you can say you made it. You made it through whatever you're going through.”, he tried to cheer me up but it hadn't quite the effect he wanted it to have.

“I will be okay?! Who are you kidding, Jack?! I will never be okay! You don't feel what I have to feel and you will never do! You will never suffer! In your family is everything okay, nobody is suicidal or something like that! Your brother didn't commit suicide and left you broken! Go the fuck back to your happy family and forget me! And don't say anything like 'I know what that's like' because you just don't! You don't know what it's like!”, I shouted and he looked hurt.

“Then tell me what it is like. Tell me what it is like to have depression. Tell me what it's like to have the feeling of not being good enough. Because you are obviously the only one who suffers on a daily base.”, he said sarcastically and I was taken aback. He couldn't suffer, could he? He was always so happy and laughed all the time.. But wasn't that exactly the same thing I did?

“It's like drowning.. You see everything and everyone around you and you just hope you'll be saved because there are so many people.. But they just won't help you. They think your okay and it can't be that bad when you're smiling. They close their eyes to your suffering because you keep this obviously fake smile on. I mean, it really can't be that bad if you keep smiling at everything, right?”, I whispered and felt being tugged closer to his chest. It.. felt good. And right. Like that's the place I was supposed to be.

“I know, Lexy.. I know...” It broke my heart so hear and see him so sad, broken. He looked so fragile and I was so scared.

“But you can't really see what hides in the dark, can you? You can't hear anything when everything's silent. You can't really repair anything that's broken, you'll always see that it was in pieces once.” I looked in is eyes, he looked so worried. “Jack, that's what happened to my heart. It hides in the dark, behind all the jokes and the happiness. It isn't beating like it should be beating. And it is broken, it is beyond repair. I see all the pieces lying in front of me but it seems like their too small to be pulled back together.”

“Don't say something like that, please..”, he whispered, tears in his eyes.

“I'm so sorry, Jacky..”, I said and left. It was for his own good.