How to save a Life (Jalex)

Pieces

Trigger warning: this part contains self harming!

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"This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting, I don't know how it got so bad. Sometimes it's so crazy, but nothing can save me, but it's so the only thing that I have." (Sum 41 - Pieces)

Alex P.O.V.

I tried to stay clean, but honestly it was so hard. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how much Jack tried to be there for me, the triggering moments were still there. It wasn't like in all these fanfictions where the whole depression ends after the girl and the guy got together. It just wasn't true, but people tended to forget that all these thoughts wouldn't just vanish because someone found the love of his or hers life.

I didn't talk ship, I mean I just got together with my best friend who I loved, more than anything else. He was always there for me, held me when it got extremely bad, and the only one who managed to make me forget all the small things for a short time, simply by kissing me.

But this time span didn't last long sadly. Maybe a few minutes, sometimes an hour but most of the time they lasted for like ten seconds. It wasn't like I didn't try to be happy, I really did for Jack, I just couldn't. My mind just wouldn't shut up, it would always whisper something to poison my thoughts.

I had to be the crappiest boyfriend you can imagine, because which boyfriend would rather be alone than be with his loved one? And I couldn't satisfy Jack the way I should. I always saw the horny looks he gave me but every time things would get heated, I would back down. He understood but how long would it take that he had enough and would ditch me?

Even if I wanted to tell himhow hard the last time was for me, I couldn't. He was visiting May and looking after his nephew, because both May and her husband had to work and the poor little child was sick. Jack, being super cute with children and somehow caring with them, flew almost instantly to them after his sister had told him the news. It would have been selfish if I had told him to stay and let the kid be sick. He hardly got the time to see him and I saw him everyday, so I told him I would be fine for the time he would be staying at his sister's.

Who had even thought that my thoughts would get that bad as soon as he was away? I wouldn't tell Jack the truth, he would get the next plan and try to be there for me. As much as I loved him, I didn't want to interrupt the rare time he had with his family. I saw how much he missed them.

We all missed our families though. Of course our crew was a part of our family, but we longed for our parents and, in Rian's and Zack's case, for the girlfriends. Rian and Cassadee had an even grader job to see each other because Cassadee also toured around the country. Somehow I felt like it was all my fault, even though it wasn't true. Or at least the other guys always told me so.

At the moment it was really bad. Maybe even the worst since I was reunited with Jack, Rian and Zack. They distracted me from my thoughts, even with the simplest things. But they weren't here, and they hadn't the time to look after the oldest member in this band. I should be able to do it by myself but I couldn't. My life depended on them and I felt horrible because somehow I would destroy them and they were worth so much more. I didn't even deserve them, I mean I'm a sucked up, pathetic, depressed guy and they were always so happy and always looked so good and found always a little bit of happiness where I couldn't even see a light.

Shaking I sat on the couch and starred on the table where a razor blade was lying. My knees were against my chest and I rocked back and forth, hoping to be able to shut out the thoughts that made it so tempting to pick up the blade. If I really did this and Jack found it out... He would leave me and never talk to me again. I needed him, I couldn't let him go, it would be my death. I can hardly live with him, what would it ne like when he left he?

But then again opening my flesh would make it easier to cope with. The fault haunted me again. Because that's what I was. I was the one to be blamed for Tom's death. Why did I have to bring up this stupid topic and why the he'll had I been so stubborn?! Without me he would still be alive and my parents would be so much happier. They would still have their perfect son who wasn't depressed and successful. They wouldn't have had to pay high bills for a psychologist that didn't even help. I had the fault in this whole misery.

Nothing and no one could ever prove me otherwise. I had the fault in his fucking death. Not even Jack could talk me out of it. I would kill Jack, too, if I didn't break a few promises. Cutting relieved the stress I had, so I wouldn't break up an argument. And if i didn't cut somewhere he would think where I would do it, he wouldn't suspect anything. As long as my wrists and arms stayed clean he wouldn't even think that I couldn't stop cutting.

My hand took the blade and I looked at the little piece of metal in awe. So light, so beautiful. I could draw unbelievably nice pictures with it, but nobody would ever see them. I drew them just for me.

I opened my belt and let my skinny jeans sink to the floor. Without the belt they wouldn't stay at their place, I lost so much weight. But I was happy, finally I would reach my goal and be skinny and not the fat ugly guy anymore. But still I had some fat on my stomach that needed to be extinguished. Softly I stroked above my rips, somehow it felt good to feel and see them. Would Tom be proud of me? I mean now I was beautiful, he surely would be proud of his little brother. Right?

I pressed the blade against my skin and let the pain wash over me. I hadn't felt so good for almost a month. I didn't even know how I had managed to last so long without it. This was still the best method to bring my mind to peace. Over and over again I opened my skin.

But as soon as the pain ceased, the realization kicked in. I added about ten cuts to the other ones and some were deep. Quickly I stood up and ran to the bathroom to take care of the wounds. I put a bandage over my belly and hoped it wouldn't be that bad. But my vision became worse and my legs couldn't keep my weight up anymore, so I sank to the floor and passed out.