How To Be A Bitch (On Hold)

➸ four: overwhelming sadness

➸ four: overwhelming sadness

« one day you'll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home. »

 If I were to name one thing I had done in my life that was absolutely ballsack crazy then I would say it was falling in love. Not just with Ashton in particular. Just the idea of falling in love was crazy. We fall unknowingly at first. We do not realize it but we aren't completely oblivious to it either. And then, we fall deeper not knowing if there is someone at the bottom to catch us or if we are just going to crash down on a ground full of rocks.

 But there will come a time in our life when there will be someone to catch us. It might take countless other falls to finally find that someone but eventually, we will. That's just the way it is. Or at least that's the way it is supposed to be. 

 Maybe Ashton Dallas wasn't that someone for me. Maybe he was just another fall. Another experiment. Another heartache. Or maybe he was the person who would catch me when the time presented itself. Maybe the chances were just diminished to the point where even a slight change in our fate would create a different future for both of us.

 And maybe that slight change in our fate happened when Grace White came into the picture.

∆

 The silence was almost too painful to bear. It was as though all the trouble of fitting into those skinny jeans, taking classes from my own sister on how to be a bitch and then experiencing a painful ache in my head because of the bandana tied tightly around my head was of no use. It felt like I was back to zero and changing myself wasn't working either. Because even after all the trouble I went through, I was still ignored.

 And yes, maybe I wasn't ignored by everyone but being ignored by the guy with those blue eyes that had lost their shine and happiness, was painful. I don't know why I even wanted him to talk to me or why I even bothered to do the exact same thing but I think it had something to do with the way he looked so distant. As though being here, around all his peers, was the last place he wanted to be at. And some part of me wanted him to confide in me. I guess I wasn't officially a bitch yet.

 As he continued to look outside the window, I got tired of waiting. But I didn't go away. I stayed there beside him and tried to pay attention to what the teacher was talking about. But then the silence and tension that was hovering around us was sliced through with words as sharp as a knife. "Daniel Baker." His voice was soft and hoarse, as though he hadn't spoken to anyone for days, months or even years. And it was almost inaudible that I was surprised, wondering how I even heard it.

 My head turned on its own accord and my eyes widened when I saw his hand outstretched, waiting for me to shake it. To dare and hold his hand. To prove that I wasn't fooling. To say what words couldn't express in a million years.

 I'm staying.

 That's what he had meant, even though he didn't say it out loud. But at that moment no words were required. And as I gave him my hand and he wrapped his fingers around them, it was something that I couldn't explain. The feeling you get when you make a new friend, was the feeling that I got and a small fleeting smile came on his face but as quickly as it came, it disappeared making me wonder if I had just imagined it.

 "Caroline Van der Woodson."

 He acknowledged my name with a slight nod and retreated his hand in such a hurry making me wonder if he regretted it. But then I saw his hands, they were shaking, trembling almost and I realized that he didn't regret talking to me. He was just nervous and as he rubbed his hands together in an attempt to stop his hands from trembling, my suspicions were confirmed. "How many friends do you have or have had in the past?"