How To Be A Bitch (On Hold)

➸ sixteen: cruising for a bruising

➸ sixteen: cruising for a bruising

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 [Unedited]

 My shoulders were shaking vigorously now and I could feel Ashton's shirt getting dampened as I spilled my tears on them. I wanted to pull away, apologize and act like nothing had happened. But I just couldn't. Maybe it was because I felt ashamed to even look at him let alone apologize or maybe it was because, after a long long time, it finally felt nice to let out the tears that were beginning to feel like acid, painful and ruthless, trapped inside my eyes. Let's just get one thing straight. The way I was crying right now could not in any way be termed as a girlish sort of crying. It was horrendous. I was bawling, literally and there were loud noises that seemed so foreign, coming out of my mouth.

 The funny thing is, I wasn't the slightest bit embarrased that I was breaking down in front of Ashton. There was always this weird vibe that he gave off. It was comforting and protective, which made me fall in love with him many years ago when he chased those kids away, giving off that same protective vibe. He kept whispering soothing words to me like, 'It's okay. I'm here now. Everything will be okay.'

 But Ashton didn't really know that his words meant something a lot different than what he was insinuating. He was telling me that it would be fine. That everything would be fine now that he was here. But what difference did he really make by coming into my life at this stage, really? Even though he confessed his love for me, there was no way in hell that we were going to be a thing now. Or maybe there was a slight chance but right now, nothing was making sense.

 He probably didn't even know why I was having a meltdown. He probably thought that it was because of the cruel thing my ex-best friend had done to me. Little did he know that it was because of the fact that up until now, everything had been a lie. And I had been caught in those web of lies and I was desperately trying to get out of it. So desperate that I had chosen to become the one person I absolutely resented to be, like ever.

 Ashton kept telling me it was going to be fine. But I knew that wasn't going to be alright. And I had a strong feeling that nothing was ever going to be anymore.

∆

 Life has a weird timing of throwing cannonballs at us. I always felt like it was all perfectly planned and timed. When we are already in the point of breaking down into pieces and barely keeping it all together, another cannon ball is thrown right at us and we can do nothing to dodge it. Maybe we can dodge every single one of them if we have the determination and will to do so. It's just that most of the time, people are afraid. Most of the time, we barely know what's happening around us. In an atmosphere as such, there isn't really much choice than to take the cannon ball rather than dodging it.

 I had taken every single one of them had been been hurled at me. At first it hurt, more than anyone could ever imagine. The second  time, the effect lasted for a few weeks at the most. But then as time passed by, more and more were thrown my way. And just when I was beginning to think that it was over, that life had finally stopped messing with me, one cannon ball had been thrown at me, taking me completely off guard.

 That last cannon ball was the huge blow revealed by Ashton Dallas about his crush on me and Grace's horrific doings. But it was okay, because by the time that last ball was hurled at me, I knew that after all I had been through, nothing really me hurt at all.

∆

 But eventually when push came to shove, I finally pulled away from Ashton and wiped away the leftover tears on my face. He was about to say something but I didn't hear it or rather I didn't want to hear it. All I wanted at that moment was to be alone and just take in everything that had happened during the span of these last few hours. "Go," I said firmly, "Please Ash, I just want to be left alone right now."