The Silence | ✔️

25. E

The night was still. The gentle tone of the waves was a lullaby. A beautiful but dangerous tune that had the power to heal and destroy with the help of the wind and the earth. Three such peaceful elements could be so destructive when they weren't working in harmony.

I sat in the gazebo on Aiden's rooftop while Zoerina stared out at the vast open night. This one wasn't like the nightmares. It was alight with stars and the sound of passing cars. The scent of the salt sea and cigarettes was refreshing and welcomed. I would take that over the stench of blood no matter the occasion.

Zoerina dragged her cigarette as her knee bounced. Her hair was in a bun on the top of her head and she slipped her hand under her t-shirt as she rubbed her toned stomach. She hadn't said much since she brought me up here. I was curious to know what she had to talk about. But she insisted that she have a cigarette first.

"My brother told you," she suddenly spoke, a cloud of smoke billowing from between her lips. "He told you that I was in an abusive relationship, right?"

I nodded.

"Look, I'm not the best at apologising," she dragged on her cigarette again. There was a brief pause. "And usually, I don't. But you deserve to hear that I'm sorry. I passed judgement too fast. I of all people should know that there are people facing silent battles all the time."

"I mean, I understand. You were looking out for Aiden. It didn't look good I suppose."

"Yeah well the point is that I'm sorry," she looked me dead in the eye this time. "I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you will go through. Because that motherfucker might be dead. But it's not over. Believe me. You have to heal. And it's so hard."

"Yeah, I'm feeling that," I said as she stubbed her cigarette out in the ash tray. She folded her arms and listened. "But I really do admire you. You're so strong."

She scoffed with amusement. "I'm not strong. I depended on drugs for years. I did some messed up shit and I'm hostile as hell. For real, I don't trust people and I hate human beings. On my life. Socialising makes me want to hurl."

I laughed at how deadpan she was when she spat her slew of truths. It was clear that she meant it though. "You seem to be doing well now. You certainly don't look like an addict."

"That's because I'm clean and have been for a while," she gave me a small shrug. "I saw photos of what I looked like when I was deep in a heroine addiction. It wasn't cute. I'm not going back there again."

"Then you are strong," I assured her with a soft smile.

"I don't feel strong. Not always. I'm constantly fighting the impulse to use again. Because sometimes it feels tempting to quiet the pain and fucked up memories. But it doesn't work. It just makes things so much worse."

I didn't want to tell her that, that was obvious. Addiction is a disease and I had no right to judge her battles. But knowing what could happen after just one time using drugs, I knew that I would never turn to it as a form of coping. I hadn't before and I wasn't about to start now.

"I'm not really good at the advice stuff," she continued with a slight shrug. "I really have no right to tell someone how to deal with their trauma because I did it all fucking wrong. But what I will tell you is that who you are does not start and end with what you've been through. You can own it. Or you can never talk about it again. You choose because it's your shit. But just know that you're not a victim. You're a survivor. And that's something to be proud of."

I felt the threat of tears welling in my eyes. I gave her a grateful nod. She was a lot better at advice than she thought. "Thanks Zoerina."

She stared at me for a while. It was quiet and sort of awkward but then her gaze narrowed and she inhaled a deep breath. "It must have been hard for Aiden not to torture the fuck out of the man that did that to you."