Be Rude but Love Me | ✔

CHAPTER 23

I spring away from the piano, almost falling as I hastily get up from the bench, my foot getting caught. I steady myself in time and take in a deep breath as I take him in.

Yann is standing at the bottom of the stairs, only wearing a pair of dark blue sweatpants. He's leaning against the banister as he stares at me, his bare chest on full display. The light of the living room illuminates his face and he looks unfocused, his hair a little disheveled.

Beautiful.

"I did knock. Twice," I say once I've composed myself.

"And that gives you the right to come in?" His voice isn't as sharp as usual, it sounds tired, groggy, as if he was asleep. Now I understand the unkempt hair, the half-naked body, the way he's squinting his eyes at me a little.

"You still haven't changed the lock." I say even though this is of no relevance at all to what I came here to talk about. Then, "Did I wake you up?"

He sounds annoyed as he replies with, "Yes, you did. What do you want?"

Okay, this may be harder than I thought. If he's switching back into rude-Yann mode, it won't be easy at all. I take a seat on the bench I vacated earlier and brace myself against the piano. "I want to talk."

"I think we already had our little chit-chat."

I cool my rising temper and try to gather my thoughts. I am trying to focus but in my distant periphery, I can see him climbing down the stairs and coming towards me. No, no, no, stay away, I think, I need to think. He comes to stand right in front of me and I can't do anything else but look at him. I hate the unevenness of the situation – of having to look up at him – so I rise from my seat.

"I'm not mad at you," I say. His eyebrows shoot up at that and I correct, "I'm no longer mad at you."

I see him cross his arms, as if closing himself to me and he nods. I walk to him and without meaning to, I touch his arms. At first, he tenses against my touch, but as I try to unfold his arms, he relaxes against me and offers no resistance.

"You hurt me, Yann."

"I know I did. I –"

I cut him off with a shake off my head. "No, I need to get this off my chest. Let me finish."

I take a deep breath and continue, "First, you just refused to look at me after and I thought ok, maybe he's just refusing to acknowledge it and we'll talk about it later. I was hurt but I told myself that it would be alright or maybe not, but that you'd give me an explanation, at least. But then you said those words. And I hated you for it. God, I hated you. I told myself you were this very horrible person and that it was obvious why no one liked you in town and that you would always only have Ellie and Will as friends because they're the only ones who could ever put up with your attitude. I thought horrible things about you," I confess and my throat closes for a moment. Then I say, "I despised you for it. For humiliating me like that. For saying it. But it's not really you saying the words that bothered me, it's the way you said it. With mockery and contempt."

"Tracy," he says but I cut him off again. I'm not mad he's saying my name, I'm distracted by the way it comes out of his lips and I don't want to be distracted. Not now.

"You know, Ellie and Will kept telling me there was more to you. It was hard to believe at first but I did. I believed them and I told myself I would try to see what they saw in you."

I notice that somehow, my hands have trailed down to his own and that we are now holding hands. I ignore it, though his palms feel warm and good against mine. "But then you did what you did and I told myself that they were wrong. That there was nothing more to you."