Be Rude but Love Me | ✔

CHAPTER 45

It took me a little too long to realize that on the fair's night, as Yann confessed his gratefulness to me, that he was actually saying goodbye. Of course, I didn't get it until after he left. It just hit me in the face the moment we entered his house – my old house – and it was empty. As empty as my heart.

That night, the second the realization slapped me hard in the face, I sank to my knees. It was suddenly too much to stay up on only two legs. I felt like I needed a dozen more to support me and even then, I'm not sure a dozen would have been enough.

I thought that night, as I begged him not to leave, was the night I lost Yann. But I was wrong. I had lost him way before that and I didn't even know it. We hadn't spoken after that, had barely looked at each other for the few more days he was still there.

I still remember as if it was yesterday as I heard the pounding on the door, excited and apprehensive at the same time, thinking it was him, thinking he was coming back to me. I still can see Ellie's tears and feel Will's anger. I still can feel my own heart shattering. It still shatters every day at the thought of him and I wonder how come there's anything left to be shattered when it's been breaking every single day for three months now.

It was three months ago yet it feels like yesterday. Heck, it feels like today. It all hits me with the same force, gets me out of breath, squeezes my heart in my chest and leaves me panting. The tears are suddenly there, and it's like they and I have an unspoken agreement, like a rendezvous at the precise second when my throat closes. I can't swallow, I can't breathe. It always feels like I am suffocating, like I am dying.

I thought I would be over it, over him but each day, I'm proved that I am not there yet. I try to fight it back, I do. But when it comes, it takes over my whole being, it consumes me till all that's left of me is a flimsy shell holding memories that are long gone, memories that probably didn't mean anything.

Now three months later, all I'm left with are those last memories of us together. That last kiss. It's what I hold on to the most, the tightest. I try not to think of that night when we'd almost made love, where I almost gave myself to him but pulled back, of how we'd fallen asleep next to each other, of his face the next morning, his smile, his lips, his hair. I try to push it all away but sometimes, the memories come assaulting me and I am just too weak to fight them, too hurt.

Like right now.

"Tracy!" Lucy calls behind the bathroom door. "Come on, get out. I'm hungry! We're waiting for you."

I lift my head to the mirror and look back at my reflection. I recoil in disgust, hating the face staring back at me. I wipe the tears away before they can come falling and pinch my cheeks to try and bring some color back to my face. I look a little better and hopefully, no one at the table will ask questions.

As I step into the dining room, my mom says, "Finally."

I roll my eyes at her and smile, "Gee, a girl can't even go pee," I complain and sit down. Of course, I fool my mother and Lucy, but not my dad and Ollie who give me quizzical looks.

We all hold hands around the table and say our blessings. Once the prayer is over, I can see Lucy grinning happily at the roasted turkey before her. It's larger than her head and it makes me laugh a little as I can barely see her over the golden meat. My sadness is momentarily forgotten at the sight of her, at her innocent little face.

"What?" She asks, confused.

I laugh a little more and manage to say in-between bouts, "Your head is just so small." She pouts, thinking I'm making fun of her. "I'm not making fun of you, Lu. You're just so tiny and adorable."