Changing Relations ✔

Chapter 53

Who was expecting a double update???
I know I'm awesome 😊😊
Enjoy...

Zain's POV

Human beings are driven by a dichotomy of pain and pleasure. If something is pleasurable, we will seek it; if it is painful, we will avoid it.

Whenever we experience a painful moment, the intensity of that experience-of that pain-will affect our future. How it affects us is our choice, but the fact that it has an impact is unavoidable.

Some events will affect us more than others.

"But either way, first loves are important because they represent the first time you really loved someone outside your family."

This is so true and it means that your first love is also very much about your family. I went through a phase of thinking a lot about my first wife. When we were young our love was quite indistinguishable from lust. Our passion bonded us together, our laughter and our good times kept us happy.

Then she went away and I ceased to function as I had before. There was hole, an emptiness where you had been. Everything in the house reminded me of her and I would rummage through her clothes in the closet just to smell her scent. I missed her. My illusion that we were in a carefree relationship fell away, a future without her was no future at all.

I tried to move on a million times. I moved away, but I always came back. I always found myself wrapped up in her arms dreaming late at night because she was the only one I truly ever felt at home with. The sheer feeling of being in her arms was like some otherworldly drug. Everything was OK.

Not very many people in my life knew about the extent of our relationship because they didn't understand her. She opened me up to who I was as a person, and to all the beautiful ways in which one can love the world. She inspired me to travel, be free and enjoy my life. She brought out the best in me. She unlocked channels in my brain that created new waves of thinking. She allowed me to tap into a higher level of being that I might've never experienced otherwise.

She was a part of my being, her love had seeped into my skin and rested in my bones. The bond that had been invisible until that moment became obvious, tangible and robust. I had never understood marriage before, but now all I wanted was to promise myself to her for the rest of my life, to honour her, nurture her. I wanted to wake up with her for the rest of my life, to be her partner, her true friend, her love.

Nobody has ever looked at me like she did, and I miss it every day. She wasn't just my lover; she was my absolute best friend.

I used to always ask her why she loved me. She probably got really annoyed. She would always respond that she just did. She just fell in love with me. I made her laugh, and we understood one another. It was that simple, yet it was intangible.

I have always loved her with devotion and purity; I had in mind that we were going to be together forever. But things... they never stay the same. There comes a dark night after every sunny day. Being away from her made me realize it was never the physical love which made it special, it was something different - a connection between two souls.

For the past year, I've used my grief as a crutch. I've used it as an excuse for my own addictions and pitfalls. But, I've also done some really amazing things. I couldn't have done those things in any circumstances other than a grief-stricken heart. I'm more fearless and independent. I take positive risks because you do only live once.

As much as I can, I try to enjoy my life because it's what she would've wanted.

I'm still hopelessly in love with her. I feel like I'm swimming around in this giant, gaping hole that's been left behind by her absence. I relied on her existence for the validation of my own.