Deadpool's Day Out

Part 2: A Quick Detour

So I was walking down the street, headed for the new Mexican restaurant (it was practically in my sights), when suddenly I heard a cry for help. An old lady was being mugged by two guys wielding knives. Lately, I've been trying to do more good deeds in attempt to better my life one step at a time (shocking I know).

Author: Pretty sure you told me it was because you wanted to join the Avengers and rub it in everyone's face. Specifically Spider-Man's face. Well, that too. Anyway, I analyzed the situation, and decided it was time for action!

* "This looks like a job for Superman!" "Quick! To the nearest phone booth!" Wade, three things: 1. You're not Superman, he's not even part of this universe! 2. You're already in a costume. And 3. Once again, it's 2019, phone booths aren't even a thing anymore! They are as outdated as the "spin my yarn" line you dropped earlier!##
"Killjoy." I grumbled to the know it all author.

So I scrapped the whole Superman thing and approached the two muggers. Being the hero that I am, I decided to try to handle the situation nicely.
"Um, excuse me gentlemen, but that purse doesn't belong to you.
How about letting the nice lady go and picking up a new hobby, like kite flying or knitting?" I asked politely.

The two muggers just looked at each other for a moment, until the bigger of the two decided to approach me while the other one held his knife to the old lady.
The mugger towered over me (keep in mind that I'm 6'2', so I'm no small fry), and looked at me menacingly.
"And what are you going to do about it, clown face?" He sneered, knife still in hand.

I pulled my two katanas from my back strap and held them in front of me, ready to strike. Then I looked up at him, glaring, and said
"I'll chop you down about two feet."

He looked at me for a second, then he proceeded to laugh in my face (and not a simple chuckle, either.
I'm talking a full on belly laugh).
I could literally smell his breath, so I remarked "Damn, what do you brush your teeth with, dumpster paste?"

He immediately stopped laughing and started glaring at me.
I take it he didn't take too kindly to my comment.
"What? Oral hygiene is very important, even if you're a criminal." He then proceeded to pull his leg back as far as it could go, and kicked me right in the balls.
The force of the kick caused me to launch in the air and land in the alley behind me in between two trash cans that I knocked over in the landing process, yelping in pain as I flew.

The mugger then shouted "That'll learn ya, ya little runt!" and went back to helping his accomplice rob the old lady.
I sat up, still in tremendous pain from the kick to the family jewels.
Now I was done playing nice.
I needed to come up with a plan for a quick counter attack. But what?

I looked down and saw garbage that had spilled out of the two trash cans. And among the trash, I found several pairs of used underwear, and a half used roll of duct tape (who the hell throws out a half used roll of duct tape? That stuff is awesome!). Anyway, the items gave me an idea, and I got to work.

A few moments later...

I finished the last part of my little device, and set it up.
Now, dear readers, you're probably wondering what I made.
Well, I made a makeshift slingshot out of underwear and duct tape, and I taped it to the outside wall of the alleyway entrance.

Unfortunately, I was one pair of underwear short, so I had to use my own to finish the slingshot (so heads up, I am now going commando. Hopefully that won't come back to haunt me later).
I stood up on one of the trash cans and pulled myself back on my slingshot, getting ready for my counter strike.

I yelled out to the bigger mugger, who had finally gotten the purse from the old lady "Hey shit for brains! Drop that purse!" And I launched myself into the air, putting my fists in front of me while singing the Superman theme song.* "Da da daaa da da da da da da daaaaa!"

A moment later I ended up socking the big mugger right in the face. So hard in fact that he fell down right on top of his little mugger buddy like a tree in the woods.
"Timber!" I yelled as landed on the ground behind them (thank god I didn't get squashed too).
I stood up, grabbed the purse from the mugger's hands, looked down
and said
"Better luck next time, redwood". ##

I then gave the purse to the old lady, who stood by and watched the whole thing.
"Here you go madame." I said in a faux gentleman accent.
She then hit me on top of the head as hard as she could with her cane (why she didn't use the cane on the muggers beforehand, your guess is as good as mine).

"Yeaouch!"
"Freak!" The old lady snarled at me as she started scrambling away with her purse. I stopped rubbing my head and shouted at the lady
"You're welcome, by the way!"
"Fuck you!" she shouted back.
I just stood there dumbfounded.
"Geez, who pissed in her cornflakes? And everyone wonders why I'm hesitant about becoming a full time hero".

But instead of sulking, I decided to get one last piece of revenge on my giant mugger friend here, who was still on the ground.
I took one of my katanas, and I stabbed him right in the eye "Ahhhhhghh!" he screamed out in agony.
I then knelt down to his face and said "That's for kicking me in the balls, dickhead."
Then I took my katana out of his eye, put it back behind me, and walked on.

I chuckled to myself.
"See? I knew I was Superman."
I don't think Superman stabs people in the eye with a katana and then calls them a dickhead.
"Oh, shut up!"

Part 3 coming soon! Please comment, vote, and have a good one! :-)