We Belong

Chapter 24

I had to hand it to my team, when I said I wanted to release the CD, they moved on it.  Within a month I had a promo tour scheduled, a photoshoot done for liner notes and my first single was being released to radio in a couple days.  My goal of making myself so busy I couldn't stop to think about Molly had succeeded even better than I expected.

I didn't have to worry about the silence in my house because I was never there.  When I walked in the door it was usually so late I ended up passing out on my couch in front of the TV and I was out early enough that I never noticed it.

Today was to be my last day in the studio, however, and I was unusually quiet.  I missed Molly every moment of every day.  When an interviewer brought up the fact that I'd virtually disappeared the last few months, I was reminded why I'd done so.  When another one brought up the fact that my CD was quite a bit happier than my last one, I was reminded why it was.  When Tara asked me if I was bringing anyone on tour with me, I was reminded that I was alone.  All of it made me want to pick up my phone and call her, but I didn't. 

Her last words to me had been clear. 

"Ya alright, Mate?"  I heard Jamie's voice cut into my thoughts.

I nodded, staring down at the sheet of paper I'd been writing on.  I took a breath and opened my mouth to speak before shutting it when no words came out.  I didn't even know what I wanted to say.

Jamie patiently waited, though I don't think he expected what came out of my mouth,

"I was selfish."  I finally said.

Jamie, who had been leaning back on his chair, let his feet drop to the floor as he sat forward.  He threw his notebook up onto the table.  It landed with a clap and then a tiny thud when he threw his pen up afterwards.

"What do you mean?"  He finally asked.

"With Molly."  I answered, "I wanted to be there for her.  But I didn't know how.  I thought if I surrounded myself with a support network, it would help.  But I never listened to what she needed."  I focused on the pen in my hand, "I think in the end...she just needed me."

Jamie stared at me for a moment.  I think he understood that this was somewhat of an epiphany for me.  He finally took a breath,

"Did you ever ask her what she needed?"

"No."  I answered after the realization that I never really had.  I shrugged, "I was so caught up in my own head about how I was handling things that I never really paid attention.  I thought I figured it out."

"Those situations are tough.  It's so hard to know if you're crossing the line."

I stood up, my hand sliding into my hair and then landing on my thigh with a thud.  I was frustrated that I hadn't realized this earlier.  If I had, maybe we'd have been able to save our relationship.  Instead, we crumbled. 

I shook my head,

"People keep telling me this CD is so much happier than the last one.  It's hopeful.  And I have to give the same canned answers that I just wrote what I was feeling.  But there was a reason why I was feeling like that.  I was falling in love.  When we were alone, there was nothing else that mattered."  I gripped the back of a chair as I let out a deep sigh, "This CD is those moments.  The feeling I had."  I turned to look at Jamie, "I miss it.  I miss her."

"Any chance to talk to her now?  Save it?"

I shook my head immediately,

"I don't know if that would be such a great idea.  We needed to untangle ourselves from each other."  I hung my head, "I needed to see what mistakes I was making.  I couldn't see them while we were in it."