Full Circle

Chapter 15 - Miss (Part 2)

Please read part 1 first before this. Enjoy!

-----

Phana POV

"The painkillers don't work anymore. I thought we still have a few more days, but...," Dr. Prachaya trails off.

"But what, doctor?" P'Jena asks him worriedly.

"But I'm afraid it's the end of the line. I'm sorry," he looks at both of us sadly.

"Is there something else we can do?" my cousin asks again, now starting to sob.

"I strongly encourage hospital admission. Doctors and nurses can look after him and, if needed, we can sedate him if the pain becomes unbearable," he tells her.

I laugh in my mind. He's joking, right? If the pain becomes unbearable? It is already unbearable as it is. The only thing that's keeping me from giving up is seeing my Wayo, at least in pictures.

I admit, buried in the deepest corner of my mind, there is still this hope that I will get to see my love in person, talk to him, touch him, hug him. If it's not too much to ask, even kiss him. I wanted to give up a long time ago. I mean, what's the point in fighting? What's the point of prolonging your agony? You know you'll die soon anyway, you already broke the heart of the person you love and you're suffering from tremendous physical pain. What's the point of living then? But that tiny glimmer of hope is the one thing that's keeping me alive for this long.

I crave for his smile that I took away and maybe if I live a little longer, I can see that smile back on his face, even if I'm no longer the reason behind it. That's why I fought so hard to stay alive a little longer despite the strong urge to just give up. That's why I pushed aside all my struggles and pretended to be strong, even if I'm really weak and scared and alone in this dark, cruel world.

Now he tells me that I'm in the final stage. This is the part where painkillers won't work anymore. And to escape the pain, I have to be sedated. Then what's the use of going on? It's like they'll keep me alive just to put me to sleep for the rest of my days, otherwise the excruciating pain is more than enough to kill me. But at the end of it all, I will still die... without my love beside me, without my Wayo to hold my hand as I slip through the next life.

Basically, Dr. Prachaya is giving me 2 options: One is to stay in the hospital for sedation and stay asleep on your remaining days before the disease utlimately kills you, and two is to suffer being eaten up internally and burned alive externally all while you're awake, that is if you manage to stay awake, which is fatal in itself, before the disease ultimately kills you. The end result? Death. You just have to pick whether you'll sleep or suffer before it.

No Wayo. No painkillers. No way out. With these three thoughts running in my head, I already know what to choose. I already know what to do.

"Doctor, thank you for all your help. I've made my decision. Please get everything ready for the procedure," I tell him somberly.

He looks in my eyes, deciphering what's in my mind before he gives me a knowing nod. "When?" is all he asked.

"In two days," I answer emotionless. With that, he leaves the room.

P'Jena is looking back and forth at me and the retreating back of Dr. Prachaya looking totally lost. It takes her a minute to snap out of her trance and asks me, "what just happened?"

"Nothing, P. Please just take me to the hospital in 2 days. And please contact mom and dad. They have until tomorrow to see me," I tell her as I lie back down, with my back facing her.

"Hey," she caresses my arm. "You can tell me. C'mon, tell your P na."

"When that time comes, could you please get all his pictures from my dorm? They're the last thing I want to see," I tell her without looking as tears quietly roll down my face.