alice quinn // writing help

difference between portraying an abusive relationship and romanticizing one

I see SO many abusive relationships being portrayed on here, and they are almost always romanticized. DO NOT allow your readers to think that this is a normal, healthy relationship, when it is not. And please, have it as mature because young people are very impressionable and cannot always see fact from fiction. It is important that we do not teach people to stay with their abusers and accept their behavior as normal.

Do not use words that may portray abuse as an illustration of love. A strike cannot be portrayed as a love tap. It minimizes the harm and aestheticizes the abuse as enhancing their body rather than damaging it.

Abusers are manipulative, toxic people who trap the victims by acting charming until they have them in their clutches. They act charming to everyone except the person they are targeting, until that person wants to leave or disrupt their life together, then they act sweet until they have them again. They are controlling. They do things to get the victim to do what they want, by abuse and reward.

It is very much like animals. People hit animals when they do not act as they are instructed, and they are given a treat when they do.

Some abusers might stalk the victim, because they want to know when and where the victim is. And that is also a kind of abuse. Needing to know who, when, and where your partner is at all times is abuse.

The abuser will also put the blame on the victim, claiming it is their fault that they got hit. "You were late, so I had to punish you... You looked at him, so I had to punish you... He looked at you, so I had to punish you."

The victim will be under their control. They will believe that it is their fault and that they should try to be better to please the abuser.

The abuser will try to isolate the victim from their family and friends. They might say that they are trying to keep them apart, that they do not understand, or that a friend is trying to steal one away from the other.

The abuser might gaslight the victim. This means that they will manipulate them into not trusting their own brain. They will make them believe something is not true when it is, or vice versa.

These are all accurate representations of abuse, and I have not explained them in a way that makes you feel as though the abuser and the victim should stay together or are meant to be. You are aware that it is wrong and you are rooting for the victim to escape.

But it is extremely hard to escape an abuser, especially if there is the reward system and they are being gaslight and isolated. The victim cannot do it alone, and if they do, they are one strong person.

And yes, most of this also applies to abusive friends, family members, and colleagues. It does not always have to be relationships.

Avoid using words and terminology that might make the reader want the couple to stay together, or for their own relationships to be similar.

GOOD EXAMPLES

- Joe Goldberg (stalking and manipulation)(I'm putting this one in good examples because I think the author and the showrunners meant for the viewers/readers to know that this is an unhealthy relationship, however people do still romanticize it because Penn Badgley is attractive)
- Nick and Amy Dunne (self explanatory I think)
- Ramsay Bolton and Sansa Stark (possibly the best representation, as I don't think anyone on earth was rooting for them to be together, although there are some Ramsay fanfictions🤮. Abusive. The aftermath portrayal is also good with this one)
- Joffrey Baratheon and Sansa Stark (abusive and manipulative)
- Viserys Targaryen and Daenerys Targaryen (abusive and manipulative)
- Kay Challis and her father (Doom Patrol, abusive)
- Kate Wallis and Martin Harris (Cruel Summer, grooming, statutory rape, and abuse)
- Billy Hargrove and his father (abuse)
- Billy Hargrove and Max Mayfield (abuse, slightly romanticized)
- Ellen Ashland and Clayton (Sightless, gaslighting and abuse)
- Nate Jacobs and Jules Vaughn (abusive and manipulative)

BAD EXAMPLES (romanticization)

- Bella Swan and Edward Cullen (stalking and manipulation)
- Ana Steele and Christian Grey (if Bella and Edward are on here, this one has to be)
- Humbert Humbert and Dolores Haze (Lolita, aka the book that Nabokov portrays well but the audience of teenagers completely misunderstand, grooming and abuse)
- Petunia and Vernon Dursley and Harry Potter (yes, this is abuse and no, it is not written well because there are no consequences nor repercussions and Harry still protects them and loves them after)
- Ally and Jack Maine (A Star is Born, manipulation and guilt tripping from what I remember)
- Allie and Noah (The Notebook, manipulation and verbal abuse)
- Fitz and Aria (statutory rape, do not even come at me for this)
- The Beast and Belle (abusive and temperamental, also stockholm syndrome anyone?)
- Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf (attempted rape, abusive, manipulative)
- Harley Quinn and the Joker (abusive and manipulative)
- Archie Andrews and Miss Grundy (grooming and statutory rape, don't even get me started on everything wrong with Riverdale)
- Jughead Jones and his father (season one, Jughead literally moved out because of it so don't try to tell me this was a healthy relationship. FP did definitely grow and become better, which is why I put season one. However it does send the message of staying with the abuser and that they will eventually change and become better)
- Jeanette Turner and Martin Harris (Cruel Summer, grooming)
- Jeanette Turner and Jamie Henson (Cruel Summer, abuse, he literally punched her in the face so don't tell me otherwise)
- Tessa Young and Hardin Scott (abusive and manipulative)
- Nate Jacobs and Maddy Perez (abusive and manipulative)

Okay, that was a lot of examples but I do think it's important to list them so that you can tell what is romanticization and what is not. If you'd like me to elaborate on why these couples are romanticized or not, drop a comment and I'll explain.