All I Want for Christmas is You

Nothing Like Us

I rested my hands on my hips and stared at my feet, my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. Sweat ran profusely off of my forehead and began to make tiny puddles on the floor, and I gritted my teeth in frustration. For as long as I could remember, dancing had always been my release. All I had to do was close my eyes and let the music take over the movements of my body, and just like that, my frustration, my anger, my sadness, my hurt, my everything would melt away, as if it had never existed. It helped me to let out emotion that I had no other way of expressing or coping with. Yet, as I stood there sweating in the dance practice room that day, I felt just as miserable and mixed up as I had when I had walked in. I had been dancing for over two hours, yet I felt no different. I had tried every song I could think of, yet nothing worked. My head was still a mess of swimming emotions. I didn't know what to do with myself. I walked over to one of the chairs and sat down to take a break, grabbing my water bottle and nearly guzzling the whole thing. With a sigh, I gazed around the room. My eyes landed on a black and neon pink duffel bag a few yards away from me. I had been bringing Liz's workout bag with me every time I came to the studio since the accident. I wasn't completely sure why; maybe it was because it made me feel like I had a piece of her with me there, or because it provided a sense of familiarity and reminded me of all the hours we had spent exercising and dancing together in the room. I set my water bottle down and walked over and sat on the floor, grabbing the duffel bag and sitting it on my lap. I just stared at it for a minute, hesitant to open it for fear of what it would do to my already strained emotions. As I stared at it, the outside pocket caught my eye. I had stored her phone in there after the accident, and other than using it once to get a few pictures to finish up Tracy's Christmas present, I hadn't touched it since. I reached into the pocket and pulled the phone out, staring at the black screen for another moment. With a shaky sigh, I powered the phone on and watched as it loaded the lock screen displaying a goofy picture of the two of us. I quickly unlocked it before I started to cry again. Without even really thinking about it, I opened youtube and pulled up her BTS playlist. I had done it with her so many times before that it was my first instinct. I stood up, set her bag aside, walked over to the speakers, and plugged in her phone. I hit shuffle and walked over to the middle of the room, awaiting whatever song would start. I was surprised when, instead of one of our album songs, one of Jungkook's covers started to play. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and began to move with the music.

Lately I've been thinkin', thinkin' 'bout what we had,

I know it was hard, it was all that we knew, yeah.

As the words of the song began to fill my head, I felt my heart ache. Yes, I had been thinking about what Liz and I had. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Thoughts and memories began to flood my mind as the song continued.

Have you been drinkin' to take all the pain away?

I wish that I could give you what you deserve...

Why did she have to die? Why now? Why before I got to say that I loved her, or even goodbye? She didn't deserve to die.

Cause nothing can ever, ever replace you.

Nothing can make me feel like you do, yeah.

Lizzie had changed my world. She had changed me in ways that I had never known were possible, but that I would never want to give up for anything. Even if I did let her go, I knew that there would be a massive hole in my heart that no one would ever be able to fill. No one could ever even come close to replacing her.

You know there's no one I can relate to.

And know we won't find a love that's so true...

I had never known anyone like Lizzie. She had turned my world upside down in the best way possible. She had understood me like no one else had. No matter who it was, I knew I would never share a love with anyone like I had with Lizzie.