Beneath the Vivid White Coats

Vivaan: it is surmounting difficulties that makes heroes. -Louis Kossuth

16 years ago,

I can hear my mom scream. I'm terrified. I'm unable to open my eyes.
My body has gone numb. I can just hear soft cries from mom now. I so badly want to move, to open my eyes.
Then it all goes black.

"I'm sorry, we couldn't save the woman. The son has had grave injuries too."

"Sir, your boy is going into persistent coma."

"It's been 2 and half months. I don't want to lose him too." I can hear my dad cry. Lose who?

"Sir, it's been three months. People who go to persistent coma, do not come back. It's time you make a decision." I hear someone say.

I open my eyes. It's just a dream. I was in the car heading back home.
The room is all bright, I feel good. Did we move into our new bigger house, I wonder. But there are many wires attached to my body. It was night when I was in the car, it's morning now. I attempt to get up, but my whole body aches, I fall back.
"VIVAAN!" My dad shouts.
"Vivaan! I'm so glad you are okay!" He starts crying.
"I-," I try speaking. But I'm unable to. It's painful to speak. I don't know where I am, I think I am still sleeping. Everything goes black again.

"Vivaan, wake up, my son!" My dad calls me. I slowly try to open my eyes, even that feels weird and painful. 

"Vivaan, you are in the hospital. We met with an accident on our anniversary." He starts telling me, his voice shaking.

I look at my dad, he looks like he has aged 10 years more. I can't see mom anywhere.
"Mom?" I managed to ask. Dad starts weeping. Oh my god, oh my god, pieces of memories come back to me. I thought it was just a nightmare.
"She left us son, she is no more." He confirms. "It's been four months since that dreaded day. You are all I've got."
That means that I will never see mom again. Ever. No mom at home. No mom to support me, guide me. No mom who will go on a run with me in the mornings. No mom who will cook food for us. No mom to give me any hope. No mom. No hope.

I don't realise when I begin to cry. But my dad is hugging me now. Both of us cry, because mom was the light to both of our darknesses. Now we are just left with darkness and no light. No hope. No tomorrow.

It's been another month. Five month since the day mom left us. Five months since I last saw her. My dad is in an alcoholic rehab. I haven't gone back to school yet, I still walk in crutches. I broke my skull and my femur, dad told me and that I was in coma for a long time.

At my first day back at school, everybody comes and hug me, even the people I never knew before. I plan on going to the upper kindergarten to check on my butterfly on my earned crutches.

I still remember everything about the day when my world finally shattered. It was in recess, I send my best friend to upper kindergartens to bring my butterfly to me. The sun was high in the sky, it was going to be 11.20 am. That's when my best friend comes back crying, "The girl with cancer is no more, Vivaan." He tells me. Time stops for me. The wee bit of hope that I didn't know I still held is snatched away. numbness is all I feel. I don't cry that day. I'm done crying. I'm done with life.

When I get back home, dad is there, he starts, "Vivaan, its time to start concentrating on your studies. Else you might lose this one year."
I don't know what sets me on fire. Studies is last of my worries. So I do this, a 9 year old boy, yes, "you killed my mom, you were drunk. Even a small boy like me knows that you are not supposed to drink and drive. You killed mom, dad, you killed her slowly. Not in that accident. Both mom and I didn't require your promotion, all we wanted is for your love, your presence, your happiness. Instead, you slowly sucked the happiness out of both our lives, for whose selfish sake? You took away my light from me dad. You took away my hope. Why don't you kill me too dad? Right now? I don't want this wretched life either!" I shout and I walk out of the house.
I walk to the bus station, but I've got no money, or no destination to go to. I just sit there, doing nothing, just hoping for something that I can actually get. Hoping to die.

5 months later,

I haven't been to school in a long time. I just sit in the room, looking at the walls, sleeping. Because dreams are finally better than reality. Even the nightmares are better than the reality. I haven't spoken to dad at all. He doesn't exist to me, just like mom. I make my own food. I keep painting pictures of my mom and my butterfly, trying not to forget their smile lines, their beautiful eyes, them.

I wish there was someone who could save them both. I wish I could bring them back from the claws of death. That's when it hits me. That a doctor could do all of that and more. That a doctor could save many more like my mother and my butterfly. That a doctor is capable of making miracles. That a doctor gives hope. That a doctor gives people them their tomorrow.

I decide that day, to become a doctor, the best one at that. I decide to start attending school again, since I've already failed one year, it would be salient of me to put in all the efforts.

I decide that day, to not love anyone in this life. Because maybe it was my love that killed them, after all.

I decide that day, that I don't want to stay at my house, with dad anymore. I'm going to a boarding school.

It is surmounting difficulties that makes heroes. -Louis Kossuth