Beneath the Vivid White Coats

Vivaan: Destroy everything you love. -unknown

Iyana just told me that she is falling in love. With me. A drunk Iyana. Still, That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard someone say to me. I can feel my heart beating a 120 per minute. It feels like, like my heart is going to escape my chest cavity and go, hopping, into her warm and tiny and beautiful little hands.

I look at her. Her eyes are bloodshot, half closed. There are tears pouring. Her nose, her cheeks have turned red. Her lips are quivering. I want to so kiss them. Again.

I didn't drink. I have kept my promise to mom. I never drink. But it feels like I am high without even the extra help from the wretched liquid.

I don't know what to tell her. I don't know how to tell her that I don't like her, because I do like her. Every time I spend time with her, I am left thinking this is how my butterfly would be, if she was given a longer life to live. This is how beautiful butterfly would look if she was given a longer life. I never tell Iyano no,I spend almost all my free , I sit with her in the library, I secretly watch her getting frustrated at small insignificant things. It makes me smile. She makes me smile. She doesn't know that I didn't notice her for the first time in the movies either, I saw her first when she was sitting at the coffee shop with Sana and smiling timidly at whatever Sana was telling. That's the first time I had felt that butterfly would look a lot like this girl, if she had been given the chance to grow up.

But this just can't be. I can't tell her this, because I will destroy her. Turn her into ash, into nothing. I shiver at the thought. And that was all the motivation I needed to resist myself from doing something insanely unintelligent. Her hurting over my rejection is the pain I can endure. But not her losing herself, thanks to me.

I drop her off at her room, make sure that she locks it behind her.

The next morning, we are off to see the old churches around the city. None of us speak anything to each other. It looks like Sana, Aarav and Iyana still have a bad hangover. I wonder if Iyana remembers what happened in the night.

At the church, Sana and Aarav go rest on the huge benches. I am left with Shrey and Iyana. Iyana avoids my gaze, she is always keeping a safe distance from me. Maybe she does remember what happened in the night, after all. I definitely owe her an explanation, to make the hurt lighter on her.

By afternoon, everybody is back to their normal selves except Iyana. We go have lunch at another cafe which serves Continental food, all of us love conti.
"What's up with you and Iyana? It's seems very obvious there's something going on between the both of you!" Aarav states in the men's washroom. "Nothing." I tell him and avoid his eyes. "Oh common, it has been obvious that she's had a thing for you since the beginning, that's why I didn't try hitting on her again. Also, you look like you've got a thing for her too." He accuses me, "come on, don't break her heart man, she's a nice chic" He adds. As if I need an affirmation of that fact, should probably sort this shit out soon. I pull out my phone and text Iyana to come out of the restaurant, to the car.
She steps out looking awry. Before I can say anything, she begins to speak, "sorry Vivaan, for yesterday, for embarrassing you, for putting you in a spot." She turns around and starts walking away.

"Iyana, stop!" I tell her. "It's not you Iyana. It's me. I'm sorry for yesterday. You were the one who was drunk and I was the one acting dense. I don't want to lead you on Iyana. I might be sounding like a hypocrite right now, but this is for your own good. You remind me of a girl who I liked long ago, that's who I like. Every time I see you, I see her. She is no more here with us Iyana. But if she was here, I am very sure she would have been just like you. Full of life, yet down to earth. Soft spoken. She would be you and even more. Much more. That's who I love Iyana. That's who I will always love and not you." I tell her. "That would be really unfair to both of us. You can be better than someone else's compensatory figure. I'm really sorry." I tell her and turn away to avoid looking at her face. I feel tears forming in my eyes, I walk away. I knew what I said was enough to keep her away from me, to soothe her of yesterday's rejection. I knew part of what I told was true too. I will always love butterfly more, she was my first love after all, and that will never change.

"I will go exploring on my own for sometime, Shrey. I want to be alone." I text Shrey. I knew shrey smelled something fishy, but I don't owe him an explanation now. I will explain this mess I've caused later.

Destroy everything you love, before everything you love destroys you. -unknown