𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘥 ✧ 𝙨𝙡𝙪𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙞𝙤𝙣

SIXTEEN

*casually brings this book back from the dead*

stokeley

i've been in love with jahseh for years and i didn't even know it.

i don't know how that's even possible, how i was able to supress my feelings so far back into my mind that i didn't realize it until now, but that's what happened.

i fell in love with jahseh from the moment i saw him. at first, i just knew him as the quiet kid with short black dreads who i had algebra with in freshman year who sat in the back of the class and drew on himself with an ink pen while the teacher threatened to send him to detention if he didn't stop, but usually he just shrugged and didn't give a fuck.

i didn't talk to him at first, because i got the vibe that he would rather just be left alone anyway. he sat in the back of every class, he ate lunch alone, and he always seemed to be slightly irritated whenever anyone spoke to him, and he wore a permanent scowl. he looked as if he would fuck you up if you even so much as stared at him too long.

but something about him fascinated me. to everyone else, he was just that weird kid who didn't speak and looked angry all the time, but to me, he was beautiful.

why did this boy that looks like a model and has the most mesmerizing eyes i've ever seen on anyone look angry enough to kill?

that was only the beginning of my fascination with jahseh.

by the end of the year, i decided i was going to get to know him, and at first it was awkward as hell, with him only giving me 2 word answers whenever i'd try to talk to him, but i still considered myself special. most people he'd just flat out ignore.

as the years went by, my friendship with jahseh grew stronger, and he slowly began to become more social and he started to smile more often.

i remember the first time i ever saw him smile, during sophmore year, where he smiled and giggled at me after i told him a joke, before going back to his resting bitch face. even though it was short lived at the time, me seeing his smile even made me more enamoured with him, the way his eyes sparked up and his smile created dimples in the sides of his mouth, and how cute his laugh was made my heart feel warm.

i was slowly starting to fall in love with jahseh, but i didn't recognize it as that, because growing up, being gay was frowned upon, especially coming from a jamaican background. if i even hinted at having homosexual feelings, it was beat out of me, so i supressed it so far down into my brain that i didn't realize that i've been in love with my best friend for years and it took being stranded in the woods with him for me to realize it because i told myself that it wasn't even possible for me to feel that way about him.

i remember when the isaiah situation happened, and i was so fucking livid. i literally wanted to kill isaiah for humilliating and outing jahseh like that, and then i wanted to kill half the school when it turned into people treating him like shit because of what was exposed.

jahseh didn't allow himself to get bullied, because he was a fighter. for every person who called him a fag in the hallway, there was a person who had gotten their head bashed in to the lockers by jahseh. he really didn't need me to defend him, because he could do it himself, but that didn't mean i wouldn't beat anybody's ass if they hurt him.

jahseh had changed a lot from when i had first met him. he went from an angry, quiet, sullen teenager who didn't even talk, much less laugh or smile, to being someone who was striving to be more positive to deal with everything he's been through, and to always looking for the bright side in every situation.