Just Another Deal...

A Blurry Dream

Ok....so it's been awhile, like a looong while. So I had started writing a new chapter in a book I had gotten. But I left that along with my wallet in a Tim Hortons I was sitting in.😢 and you know this isn't the first time I've lost my wallet, 😅you think I'd learn....anyways I restarted the chapter from scratch and to me I could just never get it right. Another fear I have is that all my fanfiction and poems I had written were also in there....it scares and embarrasses me to think someone has read them and they know what I look like . Anyways enough with that, I present to you my next chapter.

Mabel's P.O.V :

How long have we been broken? How long have I been blinded to all your pain, All your suffering. Seems like so long ago we were each other's only Friends. we built a kingdom to have somewhere we belonged, holding hands we swore we'd never turn away from each other. I never imagined letting go... In the passing crowds you got lost... No I let go and never called out. Submerged in the false warmth they gave me.

All the pretty masks they wore entranced me, I wanted to wear one too. Make believe something new, becomes someone else. Lost in my dreams I forgot reality, desensitized to it all. My mask became something not so fake, I hid behind it and soon it had felt so real. The waters we once treaded No longer a puddle, became an ocean and the distance between us insurmountable and to wide between us.

All my promises to return, suddenly didn't matter because I was living in a dream. All the colors and all the laughs, all the people and all the words. Built up and became a tower, I felt so high and never knew I could crash. How can I ever explain it all to you, make you see what I saw and how I could fall so fast. How can I say that all the monsters wear and hide away the ugly, till it becomes something lovely. They welcome you with pretty lies it's easy to forget the dark that lies beneath.

Sitting here alone I know it can't ever relate to what he felt, how he felt. I know all I do is make excuses, cover the ugly with pretty black lies. Each day I look and watch him in the shadows knowing I have no right beside him. That I lost... gave up every right I had. Can I ever be forgiven? Can someone tell me how to make it right. turning around, tumbling down morals displaced how do I atone when I can't even trust my mind and mouth to say what's right, knowing all I hold is hate and disdain, like a festering wound I'd rather not see. Hidden and forgotten, left rotting.

Still....what am I giving up, what will I be losing. I stare down from the window and watch as my brother sits under a tree writing in his journal. It seems so long since he looked my way and I myself have looked and seen him. What do I know about him now? We've both changed so much and became strangers. Closing my eyes I lose myself in memories buried deep.

I remember his smile like the warmest of summers, it blazed bright like the hottest August day. His eyes sparkled and shined after ypud learn something new and hard. How absorbed you got when you started a book or something else nerdy. Your smile when you solved a tough equation. How long has it been since these thoughts roamed my head. How we'd tease each other and it we wouldn't take offense, simply laughing it off. So many thoughts and feelings come rushing back. So long ago did I leave, and day by day the regrets pile up.

It seems like I've alway had this hallow feeling, It fills me with remorse, sadness and a ache. Like a long lost piece of me found, that hole I numbed myself, hurts more and more I try to ignore. The pain and sorrow attacks with a vengeance. Why deny when I know I deserve it, I'm such an idiot. I sigh as I sit on this lone windowsill.

Dipper I'm sorry, so sorry. I was a foolish idiot blinded by pretty colours and deluded myself that it's what I wanted. I betrayed and hurt you in the worst ways, and you know what I still can't tell you how wrong I was. Doesn't that say alot about me when I'd still rather return to delusions and fantasies. Then face reality and shove my pride away to admit my wrongs. I want to beg you to give me that second chance I don't deserve, that if you did I wouldn't make you regret it....that I miss you. We really did becomes just like gruncle stan and ford, and I caused it. Sighing I pull myself out of these depressing thoughts and leave the room.

All these warring thoughts hurt my head, I feel a headache coming on again. Taking one last glance at the window behind me. I know I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to completely lose him and I have to decide what's really important to me, I know it's selfish and it should just come naturally to me. Still I'm a disgusting and shallow person, I have to really look deep at myself before I can even attempt to make amends with Dipper. I leave the room with renewed vigor and a strong determination.

So I decided to make Mabel's p.o.v because I needed something in between and I wanted to give it as try. It wasn't as good as my first time writing it out but I'm as satisfied as I could get with it.