Always You

xli. Elsa

Elsa

It had been almost a year since we left, that day in the library cementing the rift in me and Anna's relationship. I didn't hate her, I couldn't, but the things she said cut me deeper than anyone could imagine. She was right, a million things went wrong and they were all my fault, things that I did without a thought of how it would affect anyone. I had fallen into a major depression, everything around me falling to pieces. MY relationship with Jack crumbled, my foothold with the Guardians slipped away, and I wound up flat on my arse in the cold mountain air, reigning in my all too familiar ice palace as the days passed in an endless blur of longing. 

I wondered if they had ever found Eleanor. I would have loved if they did, but somewhere deep inside me I knew that they had not. I knew it would take too long to find her and that she would not be their little girl when they did. She would be the exact opposite of their dream daughter, raised as a weapon.*

I spent every day waiting and watching, wishing and wanting. I just wanted to fix things. The last time I had been desolate and scared in my ice palace, Anna had come looking for me, nothing but love in her intentions, and this time I was left alone. I knew she would not be back for me, and that hurt more than any of this. The one thing I had always counted on was the fact that Anna would always come back, whether it was to knock on my door and ask to build a snowman or if she was chasing me across the frozen fjord, I knew Anna would be there. Now all I knew was that she wouldn't. As for Jack, things had ended for us before they really had a chance to begin. We had spent the duration of our relationship living in drama and suspense, from the first incident with Hans up until that fateful day in the library. We had a relationship built on action and intense fights, couple with steamy kisses and sidelong glances. We were a match, burning bright for a while but bound to burn out and hurt someone at the end. This time, however, I was the one yelling and using my words as weapons. The look on his face when he left my ice palace was enough to tell me her wouldn't be back. I had become the monster everyone had feared I was, and I was almost content with that.

My ice palace was large and roomy, keeping me entertained and making me feel safe. I had always felt most like myself when I was surrounded by ice, like I had the chance to fully be free and see who the real Elsa was. I knew this palace was nothing more than a mask I wore to tell myself I was okay, but I didn't feel like digging deeper into myself to see who I was behind my powers. Sometimes, late at night when I couldn't sleep and the sounds of crickets in the surrounding woods were too loud in the quiet night, I could envision how things might have been. If I had stayed in Arendelle against Anna's wishes, would me and Jack be together? Would we find Eleanor? What would the future bring? As for the last question, I now had an eternity to figure that one out. I was immortal, after all. I had every day for the rest of forever to ponder the possibilities. It was a lot of time to spend alone.

Now that I was more powerful than ever before, I took it upon myself to take care of the people of Arendelle. I was a sort of invisible vigilante, stopping criminals before they had a chance to strike. It was easier that way, keeping Arendelle safe and easier for Anna and keeping me busy and feeling useful. IT was a win-win. In a way, I was protecting the world's children, and that was what kept the Guardians off my case. When thy realized what had happened between Jack and I, they hadn't wanted much to do with me. It wasn't like I blamed them; I knew that I was in the wrong, but I refused to let them see me acknowledge it. I was an stubborn and unmoving as midwinter ice. 

Occasionally, I would check in on Anna and Kristoff. Things for them seemed to be going well. Queen-hood suited Anna, and being a king was a learning experience for Kristoff. I wanted nothing more than to be home with them, but I knew now that it was an impossibility. I had never wanted to be the person who sat around wallowing in self-pity, but I found that there was nothing left for me to do. I was a sad, miserable excuse for a person. To think, I once had it all and I was now nothing more than an outsider where ever I went. I was just an outcast, a loser, and it became too obvious to me as I watched Anna lead her life without the past holding her down. I watched Jack and the Guardians keep doing what they loved. I watched the children of Arendelle grow before my eyes, and then I returned home to settle into my ice bed and look at myself in disdain as I realized I would never be whole again. I felt myself begin to turn into someone I hadn't known I could be, the seed of envy and spite lodging itself deep into my heart. I could see possibilities in the eternity ahead, possibilities full of darkness and power, possibilities that I felt like making realities more and more each day. 

Ice Queen. That's what I was. I was Elsa, the Snow Queen. The frozen hearted, sister killing, baby abandoning ice queen with nothing on my agenda but my own wishes and it was time I started acting like it. Today was the day I embraced who I was, really. It was time to stop living for what everyone else wanted and making sure everyone else was safe and to take control. It was time to become a better Elsa, a stronger Elsa, and Elsa who took the world by storm and got exactly what she wanted. It was time for me to take my newly immortal life and actually start living, time for me to become the person I had always been able to see myself being if I dared. I chuckled, looking at the icy transformation in my mirror. Yes, it was time to become a different Elsa altogether.**

A/N: This story is coming to a close! I'm going to do three more chapters, one from each of the other characters point of view, and then I'm getting started on, you guessed it, a SEQUEL! (: I'm so so so excited for everything to come and I just want to thank you guys for sticking with this story. <3

* Makes me think of River Song, honestly. (Anyone else here know what I'm talking about? PLEASE tell me someone gets it...)

** Attached to the side is the "New" Elsa. <33