Life's for the Living

10. Going downhill Tea:

Author's Note:
This chapter is dedicated to Katie for the inspiration for the title name, even though she doesnt know it yet. :)
B

The pills don't help, I knew they wouldn't, the dreams keep coming and every night is the same. Faye is always there now and sometimes they can be up to 3 times a night. They are also nearly always nightmares and they terrify me. They seem so real and I can't escape. I am scared of going to sleep and I'm always seeing the words Sacred Hearts now. It's killing me inside because i don't know what it is, I don't know what's happening. My mum just seems to think that it is a side affect of the pills but I know it isn't. It started way before I even started taking the pills and I think something deeper is going on. I think I may have depression or some other mental condition, like mum. I can't bare it any longer, i need to know whats wrong with me, and i will. I know I will, I mean i have to, for mum's sake.

She lost her job last night. The depression has got worse recently as well, like she doesn't know who she is anymore. It has crept into all the spaces in her heart and just left an gaping hole of emptiness. It's as if someone has gone 'here you go, I have just taken away the part that makes your mum herself, but you will just have to deal with that now.'

For as long as I have been alive, my mum has suffered from depression, whether it was from loosing dad or something before that, I don't know, but it has always been there. It never got noticeably bad, she would take her medication and get better again. This time, it hasn't worked.

The house always used to be so full of colour, not literally but you could feel it. It was always so full of character and my mum used to always have a CD on or the radio. There was always something happening and I liked it that way.

Now it seems empty and cold and the rooms, the grey walls, have lost there appeal. Mum always used to say it doesn't matter what colour you paint the walls, the house is only as colourful as you make it. I used to love her sayings. She doesn't say much nowadays and i never know quite what to say to her without offending her or even making her worse. I have to cook tea sometimes too because she forgets to eat.

When she was recovering from a wave of depression and she would be on her medication, she would sometimes get really tired and wouldn't be able to do things such as cooking tea so she would say
"Could you please cook tea tonight Tea!" it would be our little joke. But this, this, has gone beyond a joke. I have to remind her to go to the doctors every Thursday and I have to wash her clothes. The doctors say she will get better soon now that she is on new medication but I don't know how she can.

(Authors Note:
I don't actually know how anti-depressants and that sort of thing works so sorry if I get it wrong.)

My school grades are slipping; I never have time for homework and I can't concentrate on my school work either because my mind is full of the words 'Sacred Hearts'. I am doing so badly at school that my tutor took me for a quiet word outside of class one day. She led me down the corridor to a little table with two chairs.

"Now, Teahlia, I have brought you here because your school grades these past few weeks have not really been up to scratch, is that correct." I nodded my head and looked down.

"You are not in trouble because we know, as a school, that you are normally a very good student. We just want to know if everything is okay at home." I looked up at her, not prepared for what came next, just the mention of home brought back the image of grey walls and sleepless nights. I saw such concern in her eyes, she was searching me, looking for any changes in my expression. But the emotion came all at once like a volcano, no one expects it to explode when it does but all along they knew it would happen at some point. I tried not to cry I really did but the tears came rolling down my face as i knew they would. It has all gone down hill from there.

My 'friends' have recently managed to forget me and they aren't treating me like they were before. They don't know what to say and they just tiptoe around me like i am a bomb that is going to blow any moment because I am no longer the happy bubbly girl I was before. I have no time for that, I am tired, stressed out and worried about school work and homework that I just can't get done. It could just be that I'm tired that I keep seeing the words 'Sacred Hearts' all the time but I don't think so, I am going mad.

This is why I have to find out what is going on. I don't care how big a risk it is I will find out and I will stop it, I have to stop it, because my mum is all I have now, and i am terrified but I know I have to, if I don't, who knows what could happen.