Life's for the Living

18. Death Faye:

Death. That's all anyone ever talks to me about now, now that everyone's started dying.

First of all it was Aunty Helen and then it was Uncle John. Next it was my cousins, Jess and Philip, and now it's my Aunty Patricia. Dad has made me go to counselling at school so that they can help me get over the losses. I was never really that close to any of them but the deaths have made me scared. They have made me very scared for me and for my family and I'm also quite shocked. For that to all happen in the space of about two weeks, well, yes that's shocking.

I never got on with my cousins and a polite hello was all I would say to my Aunts and Uncles. I think I'm more confused than sad at the minute. First of all I start going mad and then my Aunts, Uncles and cousins start dying. It just doesn't make any sense. Everyone keeps saying it's probably just a coincidence that they died so close together. Funny sort of 'coincidence' if you ask me.

They all died differently though so it's not like there is someone who really hates our family and has decided to attempt a mass murder. It's as if someone doesn't want us to be suspicious.

Aunty Helen died of a sudden disease which 'apparently' had been building up for years. Aunty Phillipa died on a skiing trip where she fell and broke her neck. Jess and Phillip died in a tragic car accident and Uncle John died at work, I don't really know how it happened but I was told it involved a chainsaw.

Nobody tells me anything unless I myther, it's as if they want to hide the truth from me.  My cousins deaths are the ones I can't stop thinking about. They were just so young and they died in such a tragic way. It doesn't seem fair, that could have easily been me or Toby. So easily.

These deaths and me going mad seem oddly connected and I'm not really sure how to work it out or what to do next.

I'm also really worried about dad. He has been going grey for a while now but recently, all remaining brown hair seems to have gone. He has also started losing his hair. I know that might not sound too bad because some men lose their hair early but I've noticed other changes in him as well, so have Toby and Emily. They haven't told me but I can tell. Dad has been sleeping more and taking afternoon naps, his face has gone all saggy. He won't talk unless he has to and his voice sounds really monotone. He doesn't spend as much time with Emily and he loses his temper far too quickly. He worries about making sure we are all alright but really we are fine, it's him who isn't.

He has also become really suspicious of me, I don't know what I've done but he keeps asking me if I'm alright and why I look so suspicious. It might be because of the shouting in my sleep or maybe this is all because of our family dying. I really do feel sorry for him though. It worries me that he is not acting himself, I feel like I am losing him. And it must be awful to lose family you love.

The thing is, and I know this is going to happen, I think all of my family are dying. I don't know why but they are. I may not have been close to anyone so far but one of my cousins, Simon, is only 3 and I can't loose him. I babysit him almost every weekend for a few hours and to me, he is like a brother. Toby hates him, but then Toby hates all children. He just gets really annoyed by them but it's so funny when they are together and Simon is just so funny and sweet and smiley. I couldn't bare to lose him, I really couldn't.

That is what is driving me on, keeping me going. That is why I am going to Sacred Hearts, and that is why, know matter what gets in my way i am determined to stop this, i can't take it anymore. I love him so much and I'm really scared, I can't lose him too but if I don't stop this, I think I will.