If You Can't Be With the One You Love

A World He Doesn't Think He Deserves

For Oliver, it felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of his shoulders. As if the boulder that weighed him down into the earth below had suddenly rolled away. And now he could feel the reality around him. He could actually feel again.

As they both pulled away, they kept their foreheads touching. They let out breathy laughs as they looked into each other's eyes. There was a light that shined in Barry's eyes that allowed Oliver's smile to grow.

"I'm guessing the feeling is mutual then?" Barry asks with a smirk. Oliver puts his hands on Barry's hips and pulled them to his pelvis. He locks his lips with his once more.

Barry's hands run up and down Oliver's back. He slowly traces his spine with his fingers before eventually resting his hand on his neck. He momentarily pulls away. He speaks as if he is out of breath. "How long have you known?"

"For about a year." Oliver replies, keeping his face millimeters away from Barry. "From then on, I realized there was no one else out there for me.

"Why haven't you said anything?" Barry asks.

Oliver rubs against his skin with his thumb, bringing his attention to ground. "Because you're happy, Barry. I didn't want to ruin that. I don't want to ruin that."

"Ollie, I-" Barry's words are stopped by Oliver's lips. Oliver became more aggressive with his movements, causing Barry to follow suit. As their bodies moved together, Barry naturally let his body fall to the bed behind them.

Oliver began to unbutton the buttons on Barry's top before taking a deep breath. "Just for tonight."

Barry took his shirt off and threw it off the bed, wrapping his arms around Oliver's waist as he pulled him closer. As the passion became more intense, they began removing more clothes until they revealed their bare bodies to each other. Barry pulled away and began to outline Oliver's scars with his hand. "You deserve better than what life has given you."

"Then give it to me."

In this moment, Oliver felt released. He felt released from the eternal hell that he had been living for the past ten years. Every single struggle, heart ache, had led him to this night. It led him to this bed. It let him to Barry.

In his first sober night in nearly a week, he was relieved of the pain he felt. It wasn't ridded of from alcohol. It wasn't numbed. It didn't exist in this moment. He was here. For once in his life, he felt as if he deserved a good thing.

As Oliver's body grew tired, he pulled away from Barry. He stared at the man who laid beneath him, smiling as he tried to catch his breath. He hadn't felt this kind of joy in years.

He rolls over and lays on the opposing side of Barry. He opens his arms and gestures for Barry to join him. Barry smiles before inching closer to him, resting his head on his chest as he lays his arm across his abdomen. Oliver holds him tightly.

"Thank you," Oliver whispers.

"For what?" Barry responds softly.

"For reminding me how to feel again." Barry wraps himself around Oliver as he finishes. Oliver plants a soft kiss on the top of Barry's head before he begins to shut his eyes. He didn't want to fall asleep. Not just yet. He wanted to live in this moment. He did not want to let go of the feelings that were driving his demeanor. Most importantly, he didn't want to do the inevitable, which was to let Barry go.

Oliver was awoken by the vibration of his phone on the nightstand beside him. He gently reached his arm out to grab it, in hopes to not wake the sleeping man who laid on his chest. He checked the caller ID and let out a subtle grin as he answered.

"Yeah?" He answered quietly.

"Bad timing?" Laurel asked through the phone. Oliver brought his attention to Barry.

"You could say so."

"You sound," Laurel begins questioningly. "Completely sober."

Oliver lets out a breathy laugh. He smiles as he speaks. "That's because I am, Laurel."

"Any particular reason you didn't drink last night?"

Oliver felt Barry begin to stir. "Yes there was. Did you need something?"

"Just wanted to check on you. Make sure you're okay."

"I'm doing just fine," Oliver says soothingly. "Thanks for being there for me."

"Always will be, Ollie. I'll talk to you later."

They hang up as Barry lifts his head towards Oliver's. He gives him a groggy smile. "Good morning."

"Morning," Oliver replies, smiling back. "We probably should get up soon. We have that fitting in an hour."

Barry looks at him with confusion. "Fitting?"

"Big day tomorrow, Barry." Oliver replies with fake intent. "Gotta have the tuxes."

"I thought-"

Oliver purses his lips. "I told you I didn't want to ruin your happiness."

Barry begins to sit up with a look of disbelief. He continues to look at Oliver, his eyes hinting at despair. "Maybe this is what I want."

"We can't."

Barry sighs as he stands up, looking at Oliver with disdain. "So all of that last night? All of that meant nothing to you?"

"It meant everything to me." Oliver says tensely. "You will never understand just what that meant to me.

But you deserve better. You deserve Iris. You deserve to marry her. You deserve that kind of joy."

Barry shakes his head. He bites his lip, trying to hold back anger. "What about what I want?"

"Don't let go of her for me." Oliver replies sullenly.

"Goddamnit, Ollie." Barry says, his emotions completely taking over. "When will you understand that you deserve the fucking world?"

Oliver doesn't respond. His attention remains on the wall in front of him.

"I can't do this." Barry says, grabbing his clothes off of the floor. He throws a pair of car keys on the bed in front of Oliver. "I'll see you in an hour."

And in a flash, Barry leaves the room, leaving Oliver alone once again. He forcefully leans back into his pillow. He covers his face with his palms, trying to hold back the tears that were making an appearance.

Just like in everything else, Oliver failed. He pushed Barry away. In one moment, he had everything he had ever wanted and then in the next, he gives it all up. Any good thing never felt right for Oliver Queen.

He solemnly picks himself up out of bed, slowly redressing himself. He could still feel Barry. He could smell him. He could taste him. The memory was so evident yet Barry felt so far away. He let him just walk out.

Every bit of him wanted to numb away the pain. It was excruciating. It enveloped Oliver so much that he felt as if it was mostly physical. He had been beaten up, tortured, shot with arrows, guns, stabbed with a sword—- but nothing compared to feelings of loss and regret he felt as this moment.

Oliver wished that time could have just stopped. He did not want to face the world. He couldn't. He longed for the moment of solitude not to end. Because in this moment, he wallowed in his own self-inflicted misery. He had no connection or interaction with anyone or the world outside. It was just him and the walls that surrounded him.

All he longed for was an ending to the pain.