If You Can't Be With the One You Love

Don't Be Me

As Barry ran back to his loft, he was consumed with emotions from the night before. Every touch, every kiss, and every movement, he still felt. But on top of every sentiment of affection, he felt anger, resentment and contempt. He finally got a complete understanding of Oliver as well as a complete understanding of himself. Yet, he still managed to push him away.

He let him go.

He was getting married in a little over a day. He slept with a man who he felt incredibly strong feelings for. These feelings completely overtook him. He was willing to risk it all for Oliver, yet he didn't want to do the same.

As he continued to run, he let a few tears roll down his face. Not for this, Barry. He thought to himself. Not for this.

Barry wiped the tear trails off of his cheeks as he stood in front of his door. He took a deep breath before he opened it, letting out a quick giggle. Iris had fallen asleep on the couch, wine glass in hand. Felicity was laid on the floor beneath, knocked out as well.

Two empty and one half-full bottle rested on the end table. Barry shook his head with a smile as he walked towards the women. He took the bottle off of the table before placing a kiss on Iris' forehand.

"I'm so sorry, Iris." He whispered, quiet enough that he himself could hardly understand what he said. He rubbed the spot he kissed with his thumb before standing up and walking to his bedroom. He set the bottle on the dresser that sat next to the door. He closed the door softly.

He pulled a small capsule out of his top drawer and shook the liquid that rested in it. He popped the cap off of the bottle, placing the tip of the capsule on the edge and letting the liquid empty out into the wine. He grabbed the neck of it before clearing his throat. "Thank you, Cisco."

He closed his eyes while he tilted his head back and consumed the beverage. He felt the fluid burn in his esophagus as it rushed to his stomach. He continued to drink until the bottle was empty. As he opened his eyes, the world around him begin to spin. He couldn't feel his legs or his lips.

He looked down at the bottle that rested in his hand. It was now empty. He felt himself gripping it tighter and tighter before his arm rose in the air. He couldn't stop himself. His wrist flicked and the bottle left his hand, flying and hitting the wall in front of him. It broke into small pieces. A yell of agony left his mouth simultaneously.

His knees became weak and he fell to the carpet below. He heard sobs come out but he couldn't feel them. His hands covered his face. But he felt none of it. He couldn't feel his heart continue to hurt.

It's what he wanted.

Iris came running into the room, calling Barry's name. But he could hardly hear her. It sounded muffled. He felt her hand on his shoulder but it was as if she wasn't there.

"Talk to me, Barry." Iris spoke calmingly. She moved his hands off of his face and brought them to her chest. "I'm here, Bear. I'm here."

"Iris," Barry spoke, hardly coherently. "I drank. . . Cisco's . . ."

Iris sighed as she picked up the capsule that laid on the floor. "I could fucking kill him."

"I'm so-sorry Iris." Barry slurs.

"Just stay right here," Iris tells him, clasping his hands between hers. "I'll call Oliver and tell him we're moving the fitting."

"Don't." Barry begins breathily. "Don't call Ol-Ollie."

"Too late." Felicity says, her cell phone pressed up against her ear. "He's on the way now."

Barry feels the rage begin to rise again. He rips his hands from Iris and begins to rub his face over and over again. He then begins to ruffle through his hair.

"Barry, talk to me." Iris demands. "Please just say something."

"I-I'll be sober soon," Barry mumbles. "Just leave, leave me alone."

Iris stands up angered and frustrated. "I can't deal with you like this!"

As she leaves the room, Barry feels the tears come back, except this time they stream like a river. His face still feels numb so the tears feel like feathers tickling his face. He pulls his knees to his chest and anxiously rocks back in fourth.

Minutes pass and Barry remains in the same position. He hears the door slam, causing him to jump.

"Get up, Barry." A gruff, familiar voice says to him."Get up."

Barry moves from his position and looks up at the man that stands in front of him. "Why do you give a damn?"

"Because. This isn't you!" He kneels in front of him and grabs his shoulders. "This is me. You are not me, Barry Allen. You are you. So get up!"

"What if, what if I don't want to, Oliver? I. . . I feel no pain down here." Barry begins to stand up but he stumbles forward into Oliver. He catches him, gripping him tightly in his arms.

"This is not how you deal with things." Oliver tells him passionately. "This not how you cope. You cope by holding close to the people who genuinely care about you.

And I care about you. So fucking much." His voice becomes a whisper. "Get up. Get up for me."

Barry begins to cry into Oliver's chest. His mind became less and less foggy. He was regaining feeling in his limbs. The tears feel like warm shower water falling down his face. "I'm sorry, Ollie."

Oliver grips him tighter. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I fucked it all up." Barry wraps his arms around Oliver's torso, his head still buried in his chest. "And you're going to go get married tomorrow and live the life you deserve."

"What about you?" Barry whispers softly.

Oliver's voice chokes slightly. "I'll be alright. I just want you happy."

"You make me happy."

"But so does Iris." Oliver whispers. "And I'm okay with that." The two men sit embracing each other for a minute or so, both letting a few tears fall. As they stand up, Barry trips over his feet and Oliver catches him with his hands.

"Watch your feet, Flash." He says with a laugh. Barry laughs back before feeling the wine(and formula) make a reappearance. Oliver runs to grab the small garbage can that sat next to Barry and Iris' bed.

He holds it under Barry's chin, allowing him to vomit directly into it. He soothingly rubs his back as Barry continues to heave. "Easy, easy. . ."

"You must have a lot of experience in this, huh?" Barry quips chokingly, looking at Oliver with a smile.

"Watch it-" Oliver is interrupted by Barry's heaving once again. He gives him a look of empathy as he continues to rub his back. "At least this will all be out of your system in five minutes."

"God Bless the speed force."

Oliver and Barry stand in the same spot, their eyes fixed on each other. Suddenly, it felt as if every feeling from the night before had returned. Yet both of them knew, the acts of last night couldn't happen again.