If You Can't Be With the One You Love

A New Darkness

Barry awakens, startled by the sound of a gunshot ringing in his mind. He abruptly opens his eyes and attempts to sit up. In the realization and remembrance that he cant, he begins to panic. His breathing is rapid and beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead. He could still feel absolutely nothing in the lower half of his body and the rest of his body was still weak and recovering.

His rapid breathing became more of a struggle. He tried to call out to Oliver who lay asleep next to him. The the words couldn't come out. He feebly taps his shoulder, causing Oliver to jump and abruptly turn to him. His looks at Barry with concern. "Are you okay?"

Barry shakes his head as he continues to struggle to breathe, Oliver quickly pulls his legs out from under the covers and runs to Barry's side. He grabs his hand and begins to softly speak words of assurance. "You're okay. . . Slow you're breathing down." As he says more words, he tightens his grip on Barry's hand. Barry attempts to make his breathing less choppy. It gradually improves but he still finds himself taking short gasps of air. Oliver continues to calm him down. "Deep breaths."

Barry then musters as much energy as he could to take a long breath. As he did so, he felt himself get weaker but his overall breathing felt slower. He kept doing so until it went back to normal. He brought his hands to his face, feeling the dripping sweat cover his palms. He takes another deep breath before speaking with the exhale. His words sound as if they are a loud whisper. "I keep hearing the gunshot."

Empathy overcomes Oliver as he stands from his squatting position and sits on the small empty space beside Barry on the bed. He places his hand on Barry's thigh and rubs it. "It's haunting isn't it?"

"I hear it every time I close my eyes, Ollie." Barry says, stopping to swallow the lump in his throat. He takes his hands off his face and notices where Oliver's hand rested. He lets out a choked sob. "I can't even feel your hand."

He begins to shake his head repeatedly. "I can't even feel your hand." Oliver returns to his previous spot in the bed, except this time he lays beside Barry and pulls him into his chest, allowing him to cry into his chest. He rests his chin on the top of Barry's head. He bites his tongue to keep the tears he had for the man in his arms inside.

This was the first night Barry spent at home since the accident which was over a month ago. He tried his hardest to keep his spirits high in front of Iris, Caitlin, Joe and the rest of the team at S.T.A.R Labs. But being alone and having Oliver there with him gave him an avenue for vulnerability. There he felt as if he could let out every emotion he had felt.

"This shouldn't have happened to me," Barry speaks quietly, he digs his forehead deeper into Oliver's chest. "I should be able to dodge a bullet. But I couldn't. I didn't."

Oliver pulls him closer. "But you're still here." He feels a tear roll down his cheek. "You fought. You won and here you are. Don't forget that."

"Here I am." Barry begins coldly. "I can't walk. It's a damn struggle to breathe. . . because I couldn't catch a bullet." He trails off as he tries to gather his tone. "I failed— my family, my team, my city, myself, you."

"I failed."

Oliver sits up, bringing Barry along with him. He pulls away and sets himself in a position where Barry had a clear look at his face. He looked into his eyes intently. "You failed nobody." Barry's eyes trail off and look down into the sheets underneath them. Oliver puts two fingers underneath Barry's chin and pushes his head upwards. "Look at me!"

"Just because some idiot with a gun hit you with a lucky shot does not mean you failed!" Oliver tells him with passion. "You defied death--" Oliver stops for a second, closing his eyes as he takes in and comprehends the words he was preparing to say. The residual pain of the following month comes to the surface as he continues to speak. "You almost died, Barry!  Yet here you are. Safe. Alive."